I’m Cold and Broken

Well, this is just me venting. Since my best friend is to damned insecure or busy to do her damned job, I’m on here ranting and venting to strangers that have one thing in common with her, no one gives a damn. I need to be able to move past things and as we all know, I suck at that. Hence my presence on this site.

Ok, so, I am my happiest when I’m around Luffkin (using pet names in case I forget to sign out). We laugh, have fun and I like to think its mutual. I never feel as happy around anyone else. Not even my Girlfriend. I know that Luffkin and me would never work because I made gestures that ended in me getting shutdown. I encouraged her to date another friend of ours, and they are doing so well, but I’m so fucking jealous. I haven’t felt this much jealousy since Love was cheating on me. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. I want to be happy for them. I want to be able to do the double dates and maintain our friendship. But it almost physically hurts when I see her look at him like she does. Hell, it does hurt. I met this beautiful girl that liked what I like. Listens to what I listen to. Thinks the way I think. I met a best friend. But I think I’ve fallen for her and its going to cost me her, and she wont ever really know why. I’ll just fade away after Wednesday. Stop initiating xbox games, phone calls and texts. She will normally initiate if I don’t, but hopefully she will get lost in him and forget to do so. Days turn into weeks turn into a year. I know that with Love, I cost myself the relationship by being a complete fucking scum. I loved and lost, my fault. This time, I think I’m loving, but can never have the opportunity to lose. I’ll never get to count her breaths while she sleeps with her head on my chest. I’ll never feel her pulse change as she drifts into a dream. I know most of my flaws, and try as I might, I cant shake most. I improve but I’ll never be perfect, I’m human. Someone have any advice on how to not feel the way I feel? Otherwise, I’m going to end the friendship Wednesday to spare my emo and weak self the pain.