Familial Disrespect

I feel like a loser, in the eyes of my parents, my family. Why can’t I live up to who they want me to be? I’ve tried, I have. I always fall short, finding myself lacking, incapable somehow. Why can’t they see, understand that I cannot find happiness in their vision of who I should be? Why can’t they understand that I enjoy things they do not, that I’m my own person. Why can’t they also understand that my decisions aren’t always wrong, are they? Is it possible that everything I do is wrong somehow? Am I so screwed up? They say I’m smart, so smart; then they turn around and say I’m being immature and dumb. I’m 25; they call me 17, saying that they do so because I act the part. But by treating me like any attempt I make isn’t good enough, I find myself believing them. How am I to live, if my life is spent expecting that everything I do will meet with no success? How am I to find happiness? Am I destined to continue my life of continual depression? I so long for their respect, for the feeling that they’re proud of me, especially my stepdad. He’s done so much for me, yet I always feel like he hates me. I always wonder if he doesn’t look at me and wish he had a son of his own. Maybe one more like him than I’m capable of? Ah well… And so I’m moving up to live with Jenn. I feel like this is the right decision for me. For one, I feel a connection with her and even if she and I were to not work out (I fully expect that we will, though), I feel that we’d remain close friends. Furthermore, my reasons for moving in with her go beyond being closer to her (what with my living three hours away). In moving away from my parents, I hope to gain the sense that I’m capable of surviving on my own. I need that. It will be hard and I know that, but I feel it’s important. I just wish I could convince them, that I could look at them and not feel so completely lacking and incapable.