trying, wait, jk….

So, hi.  Again.  So I’m brain damaged from Multiple Sclerosis (mainly cognitive which pisses me off and makes me appreciate my mobility at the same time dammit lol) and also probably from doing meth pretty consistently (like, the longest we went without was 21 days) for the last three years.  Hi, I’m Stephanie and I am a meth addict. Haha I’m reading this back now and realized my whole reason for saying all that is to explain why I now have a second meth diary lmao.  This diary will be me, just grasping at life trying to get clean, and then my eventual path down that elusive way.  But Stephanie, you have MS, aren’t you worried about what it is doing to your body, heart, mind, other organs?  Well, yes, my mind.  I know it is contributing to the ms brain damage.  And what that is is basically my immune system sees the protective nerve coverings in my brain and other areas as like, food. the nerves,  (called myelin) get attacked and damaged by my immune system and then they start misfiring.  Like, with me, I think of it like a lot of road construction going on and anywhere my nerve coverings have died due to being attacked, that’s a detour my brain has to make.  So it takes me longer to figure things out, umm, thinking of the right word makes me wanna kill people, ya know, stuff like that. Anyway…….

So the 17th ws 24 years ago that I had an abortion on the only child I would go on to ever have, unknowingly of course.  It was a boy, His name is Zackary Dominic Spencer and I would have a 23 year old son right now.  I cannot even fathom that, but I like to think maybe I would have more help and I would have raised him to be a good boy.  I was only 15 when this happened and the daddy thought he was some hard street gang leader, so it totally did not need to happen.  I just wish I could go back and give him away to a couple who needed him.  🙁

We spent the time from the 1oth to the 17th, my son’s death day, clean and trying, and then we looked at each other and said, “Wanna get meth”?  And no, it wasn’t because of the date, I didnt learn that until later.

until later… i’m depressed.  my other diary name is methic proportions. i may end up changing this one but i love rumplestiltskin.  he starts out bad and becomes good. just like i’m trying to do…….