Everybody’s got a hungry heart

I don’t know how to feel less wounded.

I wish I did,  so I could stop thinking about the bad stuff.

Every time he does anything, goes anywhere, or even just stays home, I am wondering if he’s seeing her. I know him. He won’t stop.

I don’t know how to handle my emotions.

Part of me wants comfort so bad that I want to go out and find someone.

But the other part of me knows I will not get what I need or want by doing that. I will get the same married men, wanting an hour affair each week with little to no contact in between. And that man will have several other women in addition to me, because he already took the big leap of cheating on his spouse..cheating on anyone else has minimal consequence to him. It’s gravy. That’s it.

And married women can be the same way in this arena. There are plenty that want sex and not much else and there are plenty that want a relationship in addition to the affair.

Either way, he has a smorgasbord to choose from and I’m yesterday’s dinner.

He uses the word “prolly” in his texts now for “probably” and I know damn well he learned that lingo from his local lover.

I’m so hurt and humiliated and angry that I just want to hide away and let him and her enjoy each other for an eternity while I throw up the poison that’s left in my heart.

I want to cry and I do. Often. And it never seems to make me feel any better.

I want someone’s arms around me for comfort.

I want to know how, when I tried so hard, he could hurt me. And why did HE try so hard by spending time and money and effort only to let his investment crash in the end? Why didn’t he protect it?

All of these questions I will never know the answer to, because there is never honesty.

I will forever wonder what she looks like and wonder if she has integrity and intelligence, if she is exotic or average, if she is honest or kind and if he has a raging love affair with her and I’m the side side piece. I will always wonder if he likes her more than me and I will feel ugly and flawed and inadequate.

I just want these torturous feelings to end but I don’t want to let go, I still love him so much and there is so much good in him.

I want to rewind time and be like we used to be…best friends and lovers that took every opportunity to talk and be together with fidelity and adoration towards one another.

Or maybe there was never fidelity.

I just want my lover to make me well again but I’m also angry with him for making me feel sick. I’m angry at myself for seeing Donny. He wasn’t worth the boost in my fragile self esteem.

I almost hate Donny. He’s a predator that cares only about himself. He’s on block, because he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing and NOT a friend.

I want to be in my lover’s arms but they are far away and I feel like punishing him and it’s a horrible juxtaposition.

Please don’t hurt me anymore baby. I loved you so much. You won’t be happy when I’m gone and neither will I but you leave me in a confusing puddle of uncertainty and doubt.

You have always been my magic man. A real man to me.

When you get a taste of a real man, the rest of the world never really tastes the same. Even when the real man cheats.

I guess now I have the answer…

To what happened to my appetite.