Sipping Epiphany
It seems that I don’t realize how rarely I update this diary until I update this diary. I think, though, it’s pretty clear that I don’t use this diary very often to talk about everyday bullshit because, well, my life is quite banal, so I wait until I think I have something of semi-importance to say. Oh, and I wait until an entry stops receiving notes. I’m a note-whore, what can I say.
However, this entry is all about the banality…
Tuesday was an absolutely historic night; a woman was given the Democractic nomination. I cannot believe it, I was so excited that I even tuned in to catch her victory speech and it was awesome. It nailed down exactly why she got the nomination: her popular vote lead, how she got the most votes ever, she was counted out, she kept fighting, she, she, she, etc, etc. I missed the other guys(what’s his name?) speech and never heard anything about it in the news. Anyone know how that went down?
Mmm…semi veiled digs.
Okay, business commence. I’ve got two things I need to discuss with whomever may be on my favorites list.
Those who’ve read my “bad poetry” diary since yesterday, know that I have father issues. For those who haven’t read it – I have father issues.
What I didn’t understand, until two days ago, was why exactly. I have always attributed it to his roid-rage like temper (although it is quite humorous when he unleashes his fury on inanimate objects), his unyielding resolve to have everything go his way, or his inability to see any of his kids as adults. But that has nothing to do with it. What it does have to do with is the horrid, violent, fights I witnessed as kid between him and mother. Why I had not realized this sooner, or why I am now is unknown, but I really wish that it had not realized it at all because now I’m more pissed off at him than I have ever been at him, and I don’t like that.
I wish that I could simply forget all of the bad shit that he caused when I was young or at best forgive him, but I don’t think that I should; especially since he has not owned up to anything or apologized for anything. I’m almost certain that if I were to bring this up to him, he’d be in utter disbelief that I could say such outright lies. I remember when he told me that he couldn’t understand why my moms father didn’t want to talk to him after my parents divorced. God, I don’t ever remember trying as hard as I was to not laugh when he spit that gem out.
He wonders why him and his kids aren’t close, why we don’t call more often, and why we leave so quickly when we do get together with him. I would love to tell him why I, at least, do those things. I don’t think it was right that I felt the need to get between him and mother and push him away from her when they’d fight when I hadn’t even reached my teens. It wasn’t right that he’d toss (not punch or hit or whatever, that should be stressed) me around before school and then try to make me feel better by saying I could stay home from school. It wasn’t right that my brother would only come out of his room when my father wasn’t home. It wasn’t right that he dragged me around from shrink to shrink in junior high to fix my “behavioral” problems when he never tried to fix his or made it evident that he was trying to fix his. And certainly was not right that my mother got it way, way, way worse than of us ever did. It just..wasn’t right.
Look, I’m not saying my father was a guy who turned on the stove just to burn my hand on the element, and all his cigarettes were put out by an ash tray. My father isn’t a loser and it could have been a lot worse, I get that. Some parents are just naturally better than others at parenting. But I still can’t help but feel upset and jealous about the kids who didn’t fear being at home. What is silly about it is that all my anger and pain over this could be taken away with three simple words and an acknowledgment of his actions. What is sillier, though, is that I will never ask for that because I am a proud coward.
God…am I an asshole or what?
Bad Religion / Slumber
I think its a great thing to finally realize what your issues with your father are. I can understand how hard it can be to get to that point and how hard it can be to see it. I applaud you for being able to identify the heart of the issue. Its a huge step. What are you going to do about it now? Remember – I push ya, cause I love ya. ~rory
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Well— I am here now because we just had a bad storm go through. And I always sit up with them LoL, while they sleep. Now I am awake, so came to read you. And I did not get blown away or power outage this time =P Ya know as I sat here reading about your Dad, and thinking of it in my mind, it really sort of makes me upset with you for not standing up to him now! YOU did when you were little. What is stopping you now, really? And also when you don’t forgive, you just keep putting the hurt on yourself. Forgive him and then just know it is all on him then. And it might help you get over it. Now don’t go telling me, to do the same LoL… It is a bit different, but I know inside I cannot trust because I will not let go 🙁 and that is sad. Hugs and in time I hope you can find it in your heart to do what needs to be done. Doesn’t mean you have to have anything to do with him. But it could make you feel better. Dang this is the longest note I ever left you… and STOP telling me I am making it too easy for ya!! LoL 😉 dear! Talk to ya later.
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I have unresolved mother issues that will likely bever be resolved. She’s been dead 8 years. Life goes on…
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I’m back =P ‘When you find yourself getting angry, ask yourself this question. “What am I afraid of?” Most of our anger stems from fear, and most of our fear comes from the perception that we are losing control. Stop and think about it for a moment. As long as we are in the driver’s seat and things are going our way, we rarely get angry.’ I just read this on another diary, and thought I’d note it to you. Food for thought. Laterzzzzz hun.
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hmm….sounds like justin’s father…well i’m not sure he ever tossed justin around but he did throw a hammer at him…does it count? i couldn’t understand justin’s outbursts of …swear words but beautiful together…throwing things…the more i heard about his father the more i realized..it is only what he was brought up with and what he was used to…of course, justin is not a violent man. if he were, i would not be with him. to show how far he’s come? He has 2 motorcycles: Ducati and a BMW…ducati came loose on this last trip and rubbed two giant holes in the BMW (it looks painful)…he didnt swear at all..he didn’t even get mad.. a far cry from his father. you’re in your 20s right?? *scrolled up* yep…its gonna come out at some point…probably when your father is ready and when you are..
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ha, i feel exactly the same way about this place and my little spot in it… interesting. 😉
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ryn: well said in both notes lol and in no way would your question have been offensive. I’m fully aware that my body is not what most modeling agencies are looking for ..but I am what most men crave. Besides, as one fellow ODer pointed out, a lot of men are not as concerned about the “perfect” looking woman as they are in finding a connection with an attractive and open woman. Thats why I think i will do fine 🙂 I haven’t officially been turned down by anyone yet lol but I will post when something interesting happens..its a good question though..
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ryn: hey thanks for the heads up on the books and movie! I actually put the Elegant Universe on my list as well it did seem like an easier way to get into it 🙂 I’m so glad you recommended it. It only confirmed my ideas on it. i’m so giddy lol and i can’t believe you don’t know many people who have heard of quantum physics??? hmm i DO know TONS of people who want absolutely nothing to do with it. lol If nothing else, its fascinating. About the girl, speaking from my own experience it usually will develop some sort of attachment. I found myself flirting with one friend in particular (few years ago) sexually lusting after him (he makes excellent conversation and if you know me, you know i cannot resist a thinking human being) while I was datin gsomeone…granite…our relationship was falling apart (only to repair it for 2 more years lol he cheated on me and i STILL stayed with him …christ.) and it turned into a thing for him…really deep down, i knew that i wanted to date him…not just fck him.. same thing with my philosophy teacher..well maybe not quite so much…he was very complicated. same thing with a guy I dabbled with who was dating som
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quite a few things that most would look down on)…and I wanted to date HIM too….i actually worked at seducing him. It was the best “work” I’ve ever done.. until I felt awful and ridden with guilt for harming another woman who was very sweet… I also had a male fck buddy that said he could stay just friends..not true…he ended up getting very upset when i ended us because i was dating someone..not once but twice this happened. He followed me out to my car, yelling my name, after work. I had to get a restraining order. SO…lol based on my experience it isn’t likely it will end well…but..maybe you’ll be able to fck her later 🙂
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next time he asks all those things, be straight up with him about it. just make sure you have a way out of the room. 🙂
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having not ever been in your shoes or situation, I don’t feel right commenting. I can understand you being “a proud coward”; one doesn’t wish to poke the sleeping bear, and if you are satisfied with the dysfunctional arrangement presently, then hey – stick with it. That being said – you said he has an inability of seeing his kids as adults. You ARE adults. And as an adult, you have every rightto tell your dad what a dick he was. But if it takes you awhile to reach that point, that’s okay, too. Re: the girl – I absolutely LOVE the moment when you realize that you might not have truly loved that ex. It’s one of those satisfying reliefs.
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Hiya cupcake… back to note even though I read this a couple hours ago. Work interrupts my note-leaving-skills, how rude right? I’ll say more when we speak.. (which I hope is soon!) but what I will say for now is this. You keep saying you can’t bring yourself to tell your dad why you feel what you feel, why you react as you do. But why not? Because it will be hard? How easy is it right now? LOVE
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RYN: I do not feel threatened by atheists or atheism. My point is that I resent having my faith called a fairy tale by a person who makes a religion of bashing faith. I resent the pomposity of such a person thinking they have a superior intellect to mine because I happen to believe in a deity.
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Just one more thing. A church cannot prove the existence of God either. A group of church people living a life that corresponds with the teachings of Christ only proves that the people have faith and are trying to live it out. Frankly, I have little use for church hierarchy and have said so many times. The whole issue about my entry was that I felt disrespect from a pompous comment made byan atheist. don’t think I deserve that and it pissed me off.
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Thanks for adding me to your favourites. i have just spent 2 hours looking up that psycho shirley phelps-roper…and oh my god. It’s all so mental. But it’s now 3am and i have wasted 2 hours looking up mental americans on youtube…bah. Night! xx x
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Roses are red Violets are blue Lets go have sex You can take pictures, too hahaha I know you’ll love that.. you’re always saying i should write more! PS Loving the sexalicious look you got going on in that picture.
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