Alternate Reality

Next month, on the 19th, will be 9 years since the accident. And since then, summers have always had a slight touch of melancholy. I was really active and big into sports before the accident and most of the sports I was into were summer sports, mostly mountain biking, skateboarding, and basketball. In the winter I only played hockey and sometimes went snowboarding. It’s easier to forget, ignore, or not think about those sports in the winter; you actually have to make an effort to see a hockey game or see people snowboarding. I suppose it’s an out of sight, out of mind type of thing. But the summer is different. Sometimes, from my apartment, I hear wheels rolling on uneven and rocky pavement coming from the back alley. That sound is unmistakable, unforgettable, and brings back vivid memories of either harsh bails or smoothly pulled-off tricks. I did not participate in these sports for the sake of the sport; no they were an outlet, a way to release the daily frustrations and aggressions I’d feel. I don’t have that now, or haven’t found anything to replace that void other than this diary, and honestly, it pales in comparison. So, yeah, during the summer I’m always more reflective on my situation, what I’ve done since, and mostly, what could have been if I had managed to stay able-bodied.

It’s odd how schizophrenic I feel sometimes. On quite a regular basis I, or those close to me, refer to my pre and post-accident self. I get questions stated something like this: “Maybe not now [about whatever], but what were you like before?” or I’ll say, “Before my accident, I would’ve done [insert situation here] but not now” or vise versa. It’s obvious that the accident has changed me dramatically and mostly positively. I was quite different before my accident, and trying to merge who I was and who I am into one person has proved extremely difficult. I like to think that I held onto the good qualities I had before, left the negative ones behind, and gained new, positive ones. I cannot say for sure though as, at times, I feel stunted, destined to live as the scared, quiet, and confused 17 year old I was when I had the accident. I’ve talked to a few people who have gone through what I have and they’ve said the same thing, “Sometimes I still feel I’m the age I was when I had my accident”. Apparently, it’s quite common and extremely frustrating. Sometimes it seems as though that 17 year old in me refuses to go away, refuses to die, even though I don’t really need or want him anymore. We all draw on our past experiences to guide us into the future, but how do you do that when there is a part of you so drastically, so fundamentally different from the person you are in the present?

I do know, or I am confident, that in a lot of ways I’ve changed for the better and have let go of the things I don’t need from the person I was before. I know that my views on life have expanded to include more than just my “own little world”, I care about what happens within my community and what is happening in the world generally. I don’t really worry about the little things I have no control over, bad things happen but what is done is done and you cannot change it, so why worry? I have become intensely more empathetic, I’m deeply touched and moved by personal stories of tragedy and success and I’m aware that everyone is inherently good. I am confident in the abilities I do have and tend to excel when I put my mind to it. This is all well and good, but I still have doubts. Am I really as independent, emotionally stable, intelligent, strong, and capable as I think I am or am I just trying to convince myself that I’m not really a scared, ashamed, dependent drain on society? Perhaps it’s both, but the questions always prompt the big “what if” question: What if this never happened to me, who and where would I be?

I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing; it’s one of things I think of the most. I think back to the path I was on and wonder what would’ve happened if that path weren’t suddenly changed. Honestly, I don’t think I would like to see that scenario play out. I wasn’t on a very good path; I was a month away from dropping out of high school, was completely self-involved, did way too many drugs, and didn’t really care about much of anything other than having fun. Of course, that’s only one scenario. I often ask myself, if I can be as good as I am now, what would’ve I been like if this never happened? Do you know how much better you could be, Crip? If I had the energy of an able-body I could do so much more, much better when it comes to my education and work. And sexually…I once had someone say to me “I don’t know if I’d be able to handle it if you had full use of your body”. I’m not bragging (no, I totally am), but that thought makes me absolutely giddy.

Anyway, these “what if’s” can be dangerous and the fact is that life is the way it is, you might as well just deal with it. However, thinking about what I would or could be doing if this never happened made me realize something I was completely oblivious to a year or so ago; I honestly could have ended up anywhere, and done anything I wanted to. Before my accident I felt so destined, and so solidified to the path I was on as if I had no control over anything. But it’s really unfortunate that I only noticed this fact after everything I loved was seemingly taken from me. Now that I know it, though, I feel as though I’ve a responsibility to myself to apply the “anything, anywhere” logic to my life as it is now. Sure, it’s extremely more difficult but the fact remains that my life can end up anywhere I please and is not bound to some grand design or to any particular path.

My only worry is for those people who do not have something like this happen to them and never realize that their potential and opportunity far exceeds any limit they themselves may impose. When it comes to life, anyone’s life, the possibilities are endless. If you are not ha

ppy with your life, you can change it.

The A.K.A’s / Dead Flowers Forever