Isolation

It has been awhile since I have written.  I just didn’t feel the need to write anymore… So what’s new?  Well, I am over 3 years sober now.    I successfully climbed the highest mountain in Africa (Mount Kilimanjaro) in Feb of 2020.  Got home from that trip and then world went into lockdown about a week later and I have been working from home since.

I love working from home for the simple things like being able to open the window.  Not having to bring a lunch, or rush around in the morning.  Not having to deal with traffic.  The ability to escape to my backyard garden for a few minutes when frustrated by a coworker.  Work is trying to get us back in the office, and I was told I had to be in the office 5 days a week.  I took it to HR and had it reduced to 3 days a week.  Which I will start with and slowly push to have less time in the office.  My job of anybody’s can be done remote 100%.  The only time I need to be on site is if I need to physically interface with a computer, which is rare.  If an employee has a problem with their device I can remote into it, or I can arrange to meet them to perform the necessary repairs.  I hate being in the office.  I hate the soulless atmosphere.  The florescent lights.  The dead air.  The chaotic employees who plan 5 minutes ahead if at all barging into my office demanding assistance because of their lack of planning.  There are two main reasons why back to the office is even on the table:   The first is business owners have a lot of money invested in real estate that currently isn’t being used.    The second is middle management need to justify their jobs.  If nobody is in the office to manage and everybody is working at home independently with minimal supervision and still getting results, what is the need for middle management?  So they NEED to have people in the office to justify their job.   Nobody else wants to be back in the office.  Or well maybe the few individuals who use the office as some sort of social hub.  Everybody else is fine with working from home.

Over the last year, due to my isolation at home.  I have become quite lonely.  I had enough of my long term partner and I broke up with her, but we continue to sleep together from time to time.  She is currently living with her parents.  I know this is not the best option but with the pandemic, I was limited on who I could see and….yeah.  She is a nice girl and we get along fine.  But we are just different people.  She gets irritated at my constant goal setting and working towards those goals it makes her feel like a failure.  I get irritated by her live in the moment and no real plan for the future.    What other choice do I have but to move on?  I have really tried to work it out with her over the last 15 years, but it really just boils down to us being different fundamentally.  I don’t want to be the one who has to do all the planning.  I want some input.  I want somebody to challenge me.

I think with my sobriety I have really discovered… or am currently really discovering who I am.  Or… I’m really discovering I am progressing in who I am and with that comes change.  Like a phoenix rising from the ashes.   Kilimanjaro was almost like a closing chapter of my youth and now I am moving on to middle age (I just turned 41 a few weeks ago).   It is still very hard to accept who I am.  I want to be social with people but I just don’t jam with most people.  I find them extremely boring.  I don’t care to talk about mundane things.  I find I have nothing to really contribute to the conversation.  I am not a very emotional person.  I feel emotions, but it doesn’t drive me.  My thoughts are generally based on facts and logic.  I want to talk about concepts, theories, future potential… Due to that, I have found I may offend people when I speak the truth.  Some people don’t want to hear the truth, they want things sugar coated to massage their ego or whatever.  Because of that it has most likely driven some people away from me and with the pandemic I have really noticed how alone I really am.  I don’t feel deeply connected with anybody and that is concerning.  I don’t think I know how to develop a deep relationship.  All of my relationships/friendships are surface level.  I don’t think anybody knows the real me and that makes me sad.

So I have focused on myself over the pandemic.  I have been lifting weights and staying in shape to the best of my ability for 41, I think I am in amazing shape.  My resting heart rate is 53, which is considered to be elite.   Where as most people have been gaining weight, I haven’t gained a pound in 3 years.  In fact since I quit drinking and after I climbed Kili I lost 10 pounds on that trip and haven’t gained it back.  I  eat whatever I want, when I want.   I am still constantly mocked by my skinniness by my teammates on my soccer team and people at work.  I’m really tempted to turn the tables and just bark back about their fatness.  But that would be rude.  I’m not sure how asking something like “Hey would you like a donut?” and me replying with “nah, I’m good” justifies a response of “Just eat one, looks like you haven’t eaten in awhile”… if the rolls were reversed and me asking somebody who is overweight and replying with “Yeah you’re right… dropping 10 pounds would do you some good.”  That is considered fat shaming… but when you do it to a skinny person it is funny?  You can all just FUCK RIGHT OFF.  I’m often told to “go eat a sandwich” or something… But if you look at a BMI index, I am considered “normal/healthy weight” for my height, almost bang in the middle of what is considered healthy.  My BMI is 21…  But most overweight people use this piss poor example to justify their current weight and say “BMI is a poor indicator of overall health, look at pro athletes and body builders.  If they used BMI they would be considered overweight!”  Yeah… they are an exception to the rule, but BMI is made for the general population, not some gym rat who is pumping iron 5 days a week. BMI is generally quite good for the average joe.   /end rant.