Honesty in Actions and Words… part 1

…are everything.

Maybe I am being naïve…maybe I am being stupid and just running from reality. I do trust and take on what everyone has suggested and I have considered many things…but the happiness I have been feeling when I have been with him the past few days is just so heart warming.

Yesterday I decided to start reading an Autobiography…Hannah Brown’s Autobio…I love The Bachelor and Bachelorette…it sucks how many of these  romances don’t work…maybe that is a lesson to all of us…well at least me…that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Life gets hard and so does love and the home.

Hannah Brown’s honesty in her book is so uplifting and it is so endearing to read about someone else’s messed up life and their struggles and realize that I am not alone. Everyone can be so quick to tell you and and how and and how wrong certain things are and if you listen to them and do what they say things will get better. But honestly, can any living person guarantee that what they say and think is the right way?

I need to grasp that life is a journey and it is all about the struggle and not just good times. I mean I am not condoning my husband’s behavior and I am not saying that it is normal to be so unhappy or lost, but if I accept and other people accept my failures and mistakes and I have the support and guidance to get help, shouldn’t I be the same to him? Shouldn’t I continue to , and ?

I fail to follow through on much, if anything in my life. I always wake up sure of something and somewhere along the day or my sleep I give up and then go off course. But since I am just hurting myself and no one else really knows about this, I deem it to be okay….

But when he falls and can’t manage…because it is hurting me, because I see the fail, and because he is a man and should have it all, because my older sister has it all and this other person that I went to school with, is married and lives with a husband that has it all together I am going to banish my husband.

But my sister separated from her husband for a while, so he could handle his drinking.

That girl I went to school with…??? Do I really know if everything is okay? I mean I only know what she posts on Facebook and Instagram.

We all have idea of what we think life should be…well at least I do…and as soon as it isn’t like that, I get ready to throw in the towel.

A good friend of mine, who actually lives in London is down here until next year. She is visiting her family and in laws; both her and her husband are actually South African. Anyway…so I went to see her on Saturday and it was great and all…but seeing her 1 yr old son made my uterus ache. I so want a baby. While I was getting ready to go out, on Saturday, I just got this urge to take a pregnancy test…so for 3 minutes my head was freaking out thinking how would I manage a child when my husband and I are on a rocky surface and finances are all over the place…but my heart was beating real fast, because there is nothing that would make me happier……but after 3 minutes the results came up negative.

Yesterday was my dad’s birthday! Wow he turned 79 yesterday and I swear he seems younger every time. He has some friends that are younger than him, but you would swear they were older.

Anyway…I joked how my oldest sister’s husband was the only  my father actually had a relationship with…my father went on to say that that was his only son in law. That did hurt…I mean even though I know the truth that my husband and I are not legally married, therefore he is not my father’s son in law…but my dad doesn’t know that. My dad went on to say how he never took to my husband, he said some other things that made me think and it was hard to defend my feelings for my husband and still in away explain why I am so invested in him and why I have gone against what I said last week and am now willing to work on us.

Today we are meant to go to the counsellor and he is meant to pay…last night my father and his girlfriend joked how he probably might not pay for the counsellor so I should make sure I have money…well what do you know. He just told me how he doesn’t have money now…the money that I do have was going to go toward buying my sister her bday present…her birthday is tomorrow…but now I have to pay for the counsellor. Fuck, why do I love him so much?