Just Like a Pill

 

 

I woke up this morning…and I was starving. I don’t know if it is just that I want to feed my stomach with food, or maybe it is my bank account that needs to be fed, maybe it is my soul that just needs life…or maybe it is just all of the emptiness in me.

Staying curled up in bed and just streaming random shit on Netflix seems like a good thing to do…but that is no way to live my life. I realized today that I haven’t taken my meds for 5 days now…and everything has been going great but slowly I am feeling the pressures of life…or maybe that is just being an adult.

How do other people do it? Manage to live life, be somewhat happy, they get to experience wealth in life and being a grown up. I am 35 and I just don’t feel like I can do this anymore. Well I have to, I don’t have the actual ability to end it but oh my gosh life is so hard.

There is so much that I want to do…but I just don’t know how to begin or how to make it happen.

For how much longer am I going to keep running to my father for financial help? I keep thinking I can do this and I can get us over the hedge, but then when I wake up I just feel the weight of it all and I want to curl up and shut the world out.

I know he will do anything for me…he will always help…but I cannot keep on relying in him for everything.

Fuck! I have to do it…the electricity will not last much longer…my husband and I need to eat…

Even though it is misty outside right now, I think getting some fresh air will do some real wonders for us. Been cooped up in our flat for days and just been living off whatever shows I have downloaded and are not on a break…or whatever is interesting on Netflix SA, which is limited…is slowly drying us up…last night we started to watch Life in Pieces…and it is a really good movie, but DAMN IS IT DEPRESSING!!

First thing I did when I woke up this morning was check my emails and I saw a Tax Invoice for our sessions tomorrow with the Marriage Counselor and it really brought me down.

Then I got thinking about how I have to renew my car license in a few weeks…and then before I know it it will be the 2022 and I will be broke again.

 My husband’s cousin has invited us to join them for Xmas. Now the idea of being with people and having fun would get me excited…and it did…at first. Last night when I was thinking about it I got all amped up…googled recipes for a dessert I would try and maser…and then I thought of what I would get the kids as xmas gifts…then the numbers started rolling in my head. The idea of having to spend money that I do not have and even when I do get paid, the idea of spending the lil extra money that I will have, makes me want to be sick.

Money is just like a pill. It is great when you have it and it makes you feel good…but as soon as you are out and have no more, for awhile you will think you have it under control, but then it will all come crashing down and you will feel lost and so depleted and hopeless. And you will do anything just to get that lil bit to carry you over until you feel like you can actually manage.

I guess  I have to do it. I have to get up…pull on my big girl panties and make it happen! Like everything else I need to make it happen and feed our stomach, bank account and our souls…