Who will save YOUR soul, now?

I am still trying to understand why my ex lover reached out to me.

For the past year he has been consumed with someone else. He and I used to share all sorts of intimacies. He used to ask me to take and send pictures of myself and he could hardly tear himself away from texting or talking to me. We shared everything…and I mean EVERYTHING. I have never been more open with anyone else in my life as I was with him.

We would sneak away to have phone sex and we would participate in mutual masturbation with lots of dirty talk. We could fill hours on the telephone and even more hours in each other’s company.

That lasted 13 years.

But she came along and was new and exciting. She brought drugs that gave him a feeling of omnipotence. She made him feel sexy and sexual. She was easy and convenient and he could pay the same amount or less and not have to drive as far.

I can understand how I seemed less exciting in comparison, but what I don’t understand is why he didn’t just let me go once he fell in love with her. Why would he gamble with my heart like that? Why did he risk hurting me, carrying on and engaging in risky behavior for SO long?

I know the answer.

Drugs robbed me of my lover. SHE came with the lifestyle just like groupies come with rock groups. And he is addicted to the feeling of being wanted and the newness of a relationship…the rush. The sex. The power he wields. He can’t see the smoke through the trees, like, what the consequences of his actions may be and who they may hurt and that’s probably because he has narcissistic tendencies and a fragile ego. Him feeling good takes front seat and everything else rides shotgun.

He says she was just for convenience, but that’s a lie. He MUST love her to want to be with her after what she did to me and to his wife and that is a truth I must face today.

He’s still with her.

And he had the nerve to call me and complain about his bad choice. About her volatile behavior. As if I wanted to hear that? Am I supposed to feel sorry for him?

I did ASK HIM why he called and he said because he couldn’t just ignore how he had treated me forever. I ask him this, how could he have ignored how he treated me for one day? Let alone maintain almost a month of cruel and indifferent silence.

Roger…I wish you could hear my words in this moment.

There is no room in my heart for your lover, Vicki D. She is ranting and raving about how you betrayed HER by seeing ME?? A woman you have loved for 15 years?! Does she not realize that YOU are still betraying ME by cruelly admitting to me that you’re with her?

You cannot disrespect me any more. You cannot have ME AND her, or me AND anyone else… NOBODY can.

You must live with the choice you made. You miss talking to me every day? I heard your voice crack when you said those words and that was the truth in your heart betraying your cheating ass. You lost something tremendous and SO DID I.

I still love you with evey fiber of my being, but If you think I’m going to lower myself to acceptance of this kind of behavior, you’re more fucking nuts than BOTH your bitches.

That’s like crazy 2.0.

I have come to believe that I’m too normal, smart, loving, well rounded, and rational to be the kind of girl that gets your dick hard.

I gave you just enough rope to half assed hang yourself.

Now you’re waiting for me to cut you down, losing precious oxygen every second that you’re caught in your own noose.

When you’re dangling like that, you should be smart enough to bargain for your life with the woman you fucked over.

You know I know the truth. I KNOW what will happen when I save you.

As soon as you regain enough strength to stand…

You will use it to make a dead run straight for the bitch you knew wouldn’t.