Can’t stop the bleeding

I don’t know how deep this pain goes. I don’t know how far down into my soul its ugly tentacles can reach.

 

When I called yesterday, I was so hurt to have discovered you didn’t care enough about me to even read the diary entries I sent you links for.

I was hurt to know you had erased what I worked so hard on, what I struggled to write, because it risked pissing her off. It meant nothing and I MUST face the fact that I am no longer important to you.

It is beyond pain. It’s indescribable.

And you erased it because you were with your lover and didn’t want her to catch you talking to me. You lied and said it was Lori that was looking. You must think I’m stupid, because you’ve told me many times that Lori doesn’t look at your phone.

BUT we BOTH know VICKIE DOES!! And YOUR pussy whipped ass LETS her!!!

This is where it has to end for me because I am doing what I said I would never do and that is to chase a man that doesn’t want me. I understand why women do it now, because they can’t accept or comprehend why they are no longer loved. Especially if there was betrayal involved.

I am absolutely haunted by the images and the idea of being replaced by her. I’m even more haunted by your rejection.

I’ve never hurt so bad in my whole life.

You called me Monday but I don’t know what for, because you’re still with her and it appears you don’t plan on leaving. A week after you told me you still loved me I caught you with her.

It’s all lies and I must accept that you’re gone. I just want to cry forever and I can hardly stand to be around anyone.

I can’t forgive you for hurting me and never apologizing face to face. You left me in the most cowardly and cruel way but then say you still love me and none of those words jive with your current actions.

You’re STILL letting me suffer in cruel silence. You run from my words and I’m willing to bet my kids’ lives that this is never read cuz you’re gonna ignore it and tuck it away like a giant hospital bill statement you get in the mail and know you can’t pay.

You should have told me straight up you were gonna give your relationship with her your full attention, and not led me to believe she was gone or soon to be.

I’m not sure you know how to tell the truth, Roger. Almost everything out of your mouth is a self serving, narcissistic falsehood to further whatever agenda you have going on at the time.

You hurt me effortlessly. You claim you don’t mean to but that is laughable because how can you lie about another relationship not once or twice but THREE times and expect that to fly as an innocent offense? You are a martyr saying “it seems I always hurt you and can do nothing but hurt you no matter how hard I try” when in actuality that’s bullshit.

All you gotta do not to hurt me is either keep your dick in your pants or tell the fucking truth. You’ve gone as far as to blame Vickie for your infidelity and what you did to me. You want to be blameless.

Me constantly expressing my feelings and suffering to you and my waiting for you to have some sort of epiphany and come begging for me on bended knee is simply a pipe dream on my part.

You say you’re too fucked up to be faithful to anyone but you are having NO problem not only being faithful to Vickie but kissing her ass just like you did Lori’s. You are one of those fucked up people that love difficult, volatile, psychotic fucking women and goddamn if you ain’t turning ME into one of them now.

You told me when she outed you that you’d spend the rest of your life regretting choosing her over me. That must have been nothing but lip service designed to save your ass because here you are, WITH her still!

Wow! You must’ve spent a whole 30 seconds feeling regret before you shrugged your shoulders and said to yourself , Oh well, at least I got the woman I really wanted out of them all and I can find another piece of ass to supplement what sex I don’t get from her.

I hope you stop smoking meth because if you don’t you are surely gonna die an ugly death. I’m petrified to see what you look like now, six months or a year into your use. You lost a job, your reputation, your wife, your long term lover, your best friend, your safety, your peace of mind, everything. Soon it will take your teeth and skin and finally your heart will stop functioning under the constant pressure.  She came along and poisoned your life and you somehow thought it was ok to keep me in the dark and put me in danger so you could get your ass a shot of validation in the form of female attention.

Do you think that is what makes you valuable or what makes you a MAN? Getting a woman to give you sex? That must be what you want to be remembered for or that must be what you have to do to prove to yourself that you are sexy or desirable, but why wouldn’t you get that validation from being honorable and creating things with your hands and mind and then reveling in your accomplishments, and the people you helped.

Why can’t those things make you feel wanted and valued. Why didn’t MY UNDYING devotion and willingness to do anything for you make you feel wanted and good about yourself and why does manipulating a disadvantaged woman to give you pussy make you feel powerful? She’s clearly disadvantaged with loser kids, low income housing and a job doing lawn work and being your gopher and drug dealer. Or, knowing you, you are probably HER drug dealer by now because with that class of people it ain’t hard to rise to the top of the food chain. By now, I’m sure you’re the leader of the pack.

So, all of this has brought out an UGLY side to me that I would just have soon never met. I have new understanding for the women I’ve always held in disdain, the ones that put up with serial cheaters and abusive partners. The ones that continue to go back to the guy that’s fucking someone new, seemingly unable to understand that they HAVE indeed been replaced. They can’t seem to grasp that rejection and departure, but unbeknownst or not, they need to GTFO of Denver before they get labeled crazy and slapped with a restraining order.

It’s hard to reach the place where the light bulb goes off and your self esteem and pride kick in. Soon, your dignity joins the party and anger crashes it and you’re saying all sorts of horrible things like “I hope you overdose and die in her pussy” to the person you love the most. Because your pain is so great that you lash out to reap upon your abuser the same thing they put upon you.

I hate myself for the ugly things I said. The truth is, there is no anger without love. If you don’t love someone, there is not enough passion to fuel rage.

You’ve made a lot of people rageful.

Rage in turn, eats you alive until you grant forgiveness.

Forgiveness frees your soul.

I’m nowhere near forgiveness.

But that’s ok. I don’t need to worry. I have no soul.

I sold it to you a long time ago.