Go easy on me, Baby

So this is it.

I can now say I lost my lover to drugs. My best friend. My baby.

I will never be the same.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if you were dead, so you are not here, torturing me by killing yourself, no longer within my reach.

I thought I was done crying but in my heart, I know I will never be done crying. I will call out for you for the rest of my life without you.

This morning when I took the Babe to school, on my way home, the radio played an Adele song. The chorus says “Go easy on me, Baby” and I cried yet again.

I didn’t just cry, I sobbed. It feels physically like it’s coming from a new place inside of me. It doesn’t even sound like me. It’s choking. Strangled. Deep.

I said “I miss you, Baby. I love you. Why did you go and why did you need drugs and her?” out loud to nobody but myself, cuz that’s who I have left in my corner…myself. I am scared without you but I don’t know what of. The emptiness, I guess. And I am angry but not at you. I am angry at God and Vickie and at myself because my love can’t save you.

Every day is hard to get through and I actually look forward to bedtime so I don’t have to feel the absolute anguish that resides in my heart. I worry for you constantly and my brain cannot rest knowing you are hurting yourself and surrounding yourself with people that don’t have your best interest at heart.

The worst part of all this isn’t what you’ve done to me or to Lori or Vickie. It’s what you have done to yourself. Your pain is my pain and my heart is dying because you have lost your will to live. Your pain is screaming out loud for you to fix it, and you are just struggling to find the answer, but it isn’t there with those people sharing a pipe.

Oh my God, I love you and I am trying to learn to love myself as much as I do you and that means moving forward without you.

I don’t want to.

I’ve fought it every step of the way but you don’t want to come home. I’m not home anymore.

You’re homeless.

And all I can do is pray that if you don’t find shelter in my arms nobody hurts you.

Please God, don’t let them hurt my Baby. Don’t let him continue to hurt himself. Just make me wake up and all this is over and he’s safe and healthy and I won’t ask for another thing as long as I live.

I would trade or give anything right now to get my lover back in my arms.

But there is no bargaining with the devil. It took the devil to beat me, so I guess there is solace in that. He’s the most formidable opponent there is.

I stayed in the fight for as long as I could before I had to say “take him”, you won.

You are not defeated when you lose.

You are defeated when you quit.