Shit outta luck

When my love affair ended so abruptly, I was lonely and devastated and probably in shock and I clung to anything even remotely familiar or safe or comforting.

One of those things was Donny.

I’ve known him for two years this month and although we spoke often and maintained a kind of loose friendship, we were not sexual until late summer.

The relationship I have come to have with him is so complicated and I have struggled to navigate it.

He has a steady girlfriend, but if I hadn’t seen proof of her on Facebook, I would say she did not exist. I have spent a lot of time over the course of this “relationship” (and I call it that loosely) wondering why there is no evidence of her presence in his life. He has openly invited me to his house and courts me on overnight trips. His car is a mess. There has not been anything but his golf clubs and the contents of a small dumpster in the passenger seat since I’ve known him. He can literally be reached and is accessible for talk or texts literally any time of day…or night. He sends me pics of every room in his house with him in it and believe me, there is no evidence of a woman anywhere.

I’m not jealous.

As a matter of fact, I don’t want Donny for anything other than the pseudo feeling of comfort he gives me due to simple familiarity.

He gets a free domina, and I get someone that gives me an ego boost because his desire for me is through the roof, obsession level.

The black lining in all of this is a familiar problem in my sex life. I cannot enjoy the full benefits of a sexual relationship with my lover because I know he has other lovers and I am afraid for my sexual health.

With Roger, there is jealousy because I love him. There is anger because I feel robbed of something I should rightfully have. With Donny, I am more self centered and that is honestly what drives my feelings about him. What can he do for me? Is he a throw away lover? Maybe. Yeah.

I don’t want to have sexual intercourse with someone that has other lovers besides me. How safe can you feel and how vulnerable can you allow yourself to be when you know there is someone else sleeping with your lover? Fantastic sex requires trust and practice.

How can I be vulnerable to someone that I feel is comparing me to someone else he sleeps with, or someone that he places at a much higher priority level than me? How can I have sexual freedom with that hanging over my head and how fucking fair is that to ME?…that my lovers get to have me for kinky sex and their normal girlfriends and wives for vanilla sex and somehow I get just the kinky aspect and made to feel like I’m not worthy of real love and affection.

Why are my lovers ashamed of me, of being with me in real life?

In my next entry, I’m going to try to explain the relationship with Donny and I do this for MYSELF because this diary is for me to reflect on how I am living my life and to help me pinpoint the changes I need to make and I need to make some difficult changes on the road ahead of me. I’m confused and I need to be honest. This helps me to reread and sort everything out.

These past six months have been life changing. My lover can now read this diary if he chooses to because I no longer care who reads what is in my heart and I gave him the ability to do so freely and without coercion. There is no fear he will leave me if I hurt him with the truth. He already left me a long time ago. The stakes are not what they once were so I will not hold back. This is me.

I will lay that shit bare if I want to and nobody can judge me because I have walked through fire to get to where I am at and I want what’s left of my life to be my own.

I have women threatening to “expose” me but what they don’t know is that they already have. It’s just a matter of time before one or the other of them hits on my name in a stroke of luck on a Google search. What they don’t know is that I’m already living my life as if they have exposed me, because as much as I want to believe Roger can protect me from them, the truth is he can’t. They will not stop until they find me. Their wounded pride drives their relentless quest for my head on a platter. Oh, and money… compensation for what his wife thinks he spent on our affair. Icky Vickie just plain old seethes with resentment and jealousy and pure HATE. I’ve wronged HER somehow.

They are both blood lusting over me and the fact that I have not paid a high enough pain price tag in their minds. Both of them are vindictive and reckless and want me to pay for what I have done to them, for what I have supposedly “taken” from them.

Yet THEY still have him and have a place in his life and I am laying in bed with Donny, a man that wants me there when he wakes up solely so I can lick his ass in the morning.

That says one thing and one thing only to me.

I got the shit end of this deal.