More than you know

I feel more than you ever know.

I decided last night that it is time I grab this moment of reinvention and run with it.

I am no longer my marriage.
I am no longer my divorce.
I am no longer all of the hurt.
I am no longer going to allow those things to be my entire personality.

I’m going to be defined by the person I am now.
The person I want to become.
The mother that I am.
The friend that I am.
The partner that I will become.

My oldest and I went out to get groceries last night and she mentioned how weird it felt to finally be planning this part of life. She has been wanting me to leave for the last five years and said she’s found herself daydreaming about a life with less stress. She said she had this dream that we were living in a new home and I was out working on a garden and she came out to bring me a glass of lemonade and we just sat at a table and enjoyed the day.

The idea of not having to constantly walk on eggshells has given her so much relief.

My heart breaks that I wasn’t able to give her or her sister this feeling sooner. I had to do it in a way that was most stable for us. And going to my family wouldn’t have been because they are obsessed with my ex. They saw him as the shining light that led me to greatness rather than seeing that I worked my ass off for what I have and I was the one that helped him get to where he is. I enabled the fuck out of him but I applied for college for him because we knew I could write the application that would get him in. I am the one that wrote all of his resumes. I am the one that found and applied to all of the jobs he’s had. But to them, he was the key to the better life. So going to them just to get away fast wouldn’t have been healthy for myself or my kids.

But our new life is just around the corner and I am so incredibly happy for that fact.