A thought experiment

Let’s play a game. 

Imagine you are now your daughter – even if you don’t have one! Just make them up. They don’t need a backstory – just POOF they’re here! Tada!

What if every time your kid ate raspberries – their cheeks got hot? 

My kid would immediately come running and demand an explanation. If we were unable to provide an adequate one, she would probably demand we find a way to find out. We, shockingly, would oblige. That is parenting now – we recognize that our children are people and questions are powerful.
Eventually we find out she has a very mild allergy to strawberries – or something sprayed on them. So we make sure to wash them extra well and she knows the answer- she knows what it feels like for her cheeks to get red, and that this meant she needed to be aware of any other signals. It wasn’t normal, exactly, but it wasn’t a problem  

Jump back in time to yourself as a child.

every time you eat raspberries – your cheeks get hot.

do you tell somebody? Ask friends? Or do you rationalize that… well it’s probably fine. It didn’t kill me and I don’t wanna be THAT kid. Or maybe this is just what raspberries taste like? I dunno why people would WANT to feel like this. Maybe it’s like high heels which look good but hurt your feet. And you just have to like.. be in pain when you walk.

now jump back to your mother as a child. Is anybody noticing their warm cheeks?

In the 60’s, I know my own mother’s deadly allergy to peaches must be known to somebody. And they must have found that out in the usual way where she ate some, she got an allergy, so they stopped giving her that food.

But if it wasn’t serious, just redness, would they have noticed?

And if nobody noticed, would she have grown up to know that meant anything? Would the mild allergy every time her DIL came over (because her raspberry pie was divine) even register?
You think there’s no way you can’t know you have an allergy to something – that’s simply not true.
we don’t notice things – or rationalize them – ALL THE TIME. And we look around and everybody else behaves like this is normal (because their cheeks don’t get hot!)

Even if we could find a way to articulate ourselves we wouldn’t for fear of being shamed or ridiculed. ‘Hey, does eating raspberries make your mouth get hot?’ ABSOLUTELY NOT young me would rather have died.

I once sat through an entire 45 minute history class with a mouth full of ink from the gel pen (whose lid I had chewed off) RATHER THAN getting up and leaving or grabbing a tissue or I DONT KNOW. I just sat there in pure horror trying not to gag or swallow.

Until one day, on a podcast 20 years later the host says they found out they actually have a mild allergy to raspberries and it makes their cheeks get hot. And you think WAIT JUST A SECOND