Changing Slowly

Dear Jesus, I woke up at 5am. I listed all the things that made me upset and it truly made me feel better. It was no longer ruminating in my mind and was spit out. Afterwards, I read my previous entry titled “oy you live a miserable life”. I had that as the title because it reminded me of what a reader once commented on one of my entries a long time ago. Ironically another reader commented and was triggered by that title as well. They wrote something I couldn’t understand but it was erased. I remembered that the reader who commented once told me that they had no arms.

it made me think about how I may feel miserable but others would wish for my position on any day. I read about a Texas teacher this morning…a beautiful blonde and tan woman with gorgeous legs. She had some type of septic problem and all of her limbs had to be removed. I can’t imagine her pain…

I say this because I realize my complaints were read by someone else and they affected me by reminding me of things I have ignored or taken for granted.

yes I complain a lot…I may list what I hate…but does that make me a bad person? I pay for this site like everyone else and I’m not forcing anyone to read my entries…

probably the only persons entry I read consistently is Bears…and I bet he doesn’t even read my posts. And that’s okay. We choose what entries we want to read and what entries we choose to not read.

i know I seem miserable. But I do love the Lord.  I love you Jesus. I may not read the Bible but I’ll start today. I can’t do everything all at once but I will immerse myself in a way where I give my all to you.

last night I had a dream that I smoked. I felt soooooo bad. The sadness I had after one puff. I didn’t even finish it and in my dream, I was about to throw the weed away. It’s funny because I literally didn’t remember the dream until now.

if I smoked I would not be able to have the energy to get so much accomplished. Like today…I have to wash my hair, blowdry it, study my scene for acting class, go to my job interview, and then go to acting class, then pick up something healthy to eat (hopefully) then go home and get ready for bed. To be honest, this is going to be a nice day for me.

i enjoy self care, i enjoy visiting cute little kids, and i will enjoy going to acting class the most. I need to stay grateful. I need to remember how blessed I am. I need to remember that if I always complain, how will God ever see my faith.

i need to rejoice in the Lord everyday! Thank you Jesus for life. Thank you Jesus for a new and wonderful day. Thank you Jesus for my family. Thank you Jesus for taking care of all my needs and above my needs. Thank you for your love. Amen