For Emmett (Even if He Never Reads This) ❤️

(If anyone read my last public entry here called “Prom Thoughts”? It originally ended with:

“Emmett, I didn’t fall in love with you because I wanted to. I didn’t need you. I think it’s because you made all the loud sounds in my head quiet. You made me feel seen. I was used to barely being noticed, but then I found you in the gym that day after school at track & field. One of my teacher’s aides told me she thought I would be well on the team, and I was also getting pretty close with one of the gym teachers.

To be continued…”

Well, I’ve edited that and made it even better, and it’s become this)

 

5/14/25

5:26 PM

Added onto on 5/21/25

Emmett,
I didn’t fall in love with you because I wanted to. I didn’t need you.
But you quieted all the chaos in my head.

My mind was filled with voices All day everyday.
“You’re ugly.”
“Too much weight.”
“Be skinny like them.”
“No one really likes you — they’re just tolerating you.”
“You won’t make any friends this year.”
“Who would ever listen to you?”

Then, that day in the gym after school — freshman year — I didn’t know I’d found someone I’d be writing about one year later, two years later, almost three years later.
You were just there.
Working out like you always do, composed and kind, just being yourself.

That day — and maybe the weeks after — I’d sit in the seat no one else was using, next to you.
We just… chatted.

How I wish I could remember everything we said.
But I didn’t start writing those moments down until later.
So I began documenting our nods, our hallway glances, our tiny bursts of laughter.
I started writing to you, my Emmett, on 5/3/24.
That’s when I realized this wasn’t just a crush.

I’d found a boy who made me feel welcome, seen — someone who made high school feel less cold.
And then, slowly, I became obsessed.
Not in a shallow way — not like the others.

I wanted to know you.
Not the “football guy” everyone likes.
The real you.
Your hobbies.
Your pets.
Your home life.
Your favorite color.
Your favorite scent.
Your favorite movie, show, snack.
What you do in your free time.
What music you listen to.

I wanted to be there for you — through your sad days and your happiest ones.
Before I met you, I didn’t even know it was possible to want to learn everything about someone. Even the smallest things no one else seems to care about — I do!!.

Maybe we never reached that level of friendship.
Maybe next year, in the future, we’ll meet again and I’ll finally learn all those things.
Maybe someday you’ll open up to me.
Maybe you’ll get a successful job.

become— maybe even a famous football player.

And I’ll be able to say,
“Yes, I knew Emmett. We went to the same high school.
I had the biggest crush on him — even though it was unrequited.”

You always had a date to the dances.
Always taken by someone.
Even though I wished it was me.
Still, I never said a word.

This feeling had already taken root inside me.
I could’ve dated others — and I did.

There was Elliot. He was kind. Real.
And there were others before him.
But no matter how nice they were…
I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

No one made me laugh so fast.
No one lived in my thoughts like you did.
Even in my dreams you showed up.

If people could see into my mind, you’d take up a huge space in it.
That’s how often you’re there.

You were the popular football boy.
Charming. Sweet.
Beautiful — inside and out.

God really gave you a kind soul, and I have never — and I mean never — seen you be cruel to anyone.
You could’ve been mean to me. But you weren’t.

And your looks? A bonus, carved by God Himself.

And I was… not that.
I was the outsider.
The quiet one.
The one who loved from the sidelines.
I knew people like you didn’t pick people like me.

But I hoped.
Even just once.

This year changed everything.
Junior year — my year.
Senior year — your year.
The year you’re leaving.
The year I understood heartbreak…
before anything even began.

I went to every single football game.
Just to support you — silently.
Because I knew this was the last year I’d see you play.

I sat front row with some of our mutual friends.
I remember the homecoming game: October 18, 2024. 9:48 PM.

I’m looking at the photo as I write this.
That night,our team was walking back after the game. You were sweaty.
Your eyes met mine.
You said, “Hey, kitty.”
Like you always did.

And have said coutless of times.

That was was your way of greeting me.

I said “Hey,” then asked for a picture.
You said, “A hug?”
And I said, “No — a picture.”

God, looking back now — I wish I’d said yes to the hug too.

You took my phone and held it so we’d both be in the frame.
Lowered the camera for me since I’m short.
You took the picture.

I still look at it every day.
It’s even clipped to this letter.

Or whatever this is.

Because it’s more than a letter.
It’s everything.

So here’s what I wanted to say:

Thank you, Emmett.

Thank you for the joy, the laughter.
For the headaches, the heat, the heartbreak.
For the small touch.

Like Stella said from “Five Feet Apart said:
“We need that touch from the one we love almost as much as we need air to breathe.
I never understood it, until I couldn’t have it.”

I didn’t understand it either.
Not until I met you.
And realized I couldn’t have you.

Maybe in another universe, you’d choose me.
Maybe I’d be brave enough to say,
“Emmett Ramambason-Hendren, I like you.”

Not with glances or body language.
But with words.

Maybe in another lifetime, we’d walk through the same door at the same time with the same heart.
But in this one?
I loved you silently.
For almost three years.

Watched you like someone behind glass — close, but untouchable.
And my heart?

It still aches for you.

Even if I date again.
Even if I marry someone someday.
My heart will always carry your name.
Our memories, tucked away.
I’ll never forget them.

And how will I remember?
Because I’ll reread my diary entries.
Even when I’m out of high school.
Even in college.
Maybe someday I’ll read them as bedtime stories to my future kids.

I already have their names picked out.

My daughter: Everly or rose
My son? Well… laughs softly — Emmett.

Yes. Your name.
Not just because it’s yours.
But because I love it.
Did you know “Emmett” means truth in Hebrew?

It’s such a beautiful name.

After all, I didn’t love you silently for three years just to forget.
My heart will always carry your name.

Softly.
Secretly.
Stubbornly.
Never letting go.
Even on the day I say “I do” to someone who will never know the kind of heart you had.

So, Emmett Ramambason-Hendren — this one is for you.
Even if I never say it to your face.

To the most charming, handsome, unexpectedly kind boy I’ve met in all my 18 years…
No one could ever replace you.
Not in a million years.

(Well, almost 18 — just four days to go May 25 if you care about that sort of thing.)

If I ever meant anything to you, even a little…
I hope part of you remembers me.

Not as a blur.
But as the one who watched you
with so much love in their eyes