Not Worth It

I’m not.

She made her actions, or lack thereof, crystal clear. I am not worthy of a proper farewell. A noble goodbye. Anything from which I could walk away with some dignity left. She just gave me the proverbial middle finger and walked away. Never to be heard from again. Text messages left unanswered. She just disappeared.  Gone without a trace. 

She’ll assert that she cares/cared for and about me.  Maybe for a brief moment, she did.  Still, the words will come out so easily for her, but the accompanying actions and behaviors will send a completely different message. You don’t just abandon someone like that. If this is indeed someone you care about, that’s just not something you do. 

So, you’ll have to forgive me if I’m hard pressed to believe that I am someone she cared about. Someone who meant something to her. Someone she loved. That’s not how you treat someone who was supposed to be special to you. You just don’t. It’s not fair.   

I know that she’d be quick to want to accuse me of trying to portray myself as a victim. I’m not out to play the victim in any circumstance because in the end, that does me, nor anyone else, any good. 

The last time we spoke, unbeknownst to me, would be our last.  She asked me for help and just as I had always done, I obliged.  I had no reason not to help her and so I did.  And then, just like that, she vanished. 

Days would go by and nothing.  Nothing.  Not a fucking thing.  So, when things happen like that, one might be able to see how I might feel like she just used me.  I hate thinking like that because that’s not fair to her (and because I want to say that she wouldn’t treat me like that), but again, in using the information I had at the time and even now, what else am I suppose to think?  You don’t do that.  You don’t ask for help, get that help, and then just vanish.  Of course, I’m going to feel like shit when something like that happens.  That sort of thing hurts that much more when my best friend does it.  How could it not hurt as much as it does? 

We created so many memories and got extremely close.  We shared countless moments of intimacy, both physical and sometimes using just our words.  We were as close as two could be.  Indeed, I treated her as a best friend and then some. 

When it was all said and done, she just got up and walked away.  Something in her mind and heart had to have told her that this was okay.  I wouldn’t have done this to her, but as for me, I guess this was something she felt she could do to me and I would just somehow be okay with it.  Obviously, I’m not but I can’t do anything about it. 

Being an introvert, I don’t have many close relationships, so the ones that I do have, I treat like gold.  People I consider close to me, I deem to be worth my time and effort and I will exert myself for them.  But what do I know?  The world’s extroverts know better, I suppose, but as for me, I treat people differently.  I value quality over quantity.  I thought she was a quality person, but look at how she just walked away.  Like I don’t matter.  Like I’m not worth the effort.  Like I’m fucking worthless. 

All I can do now is vent and let off some steam.  I have no other recourse.  I’ll tell you what I can’t do.  I can’t beg her to come back and restore everything that we once were.  I can’t plead my case and show her that I’m this great man.  I can’t explain why this happened the way it did.  I can’t see how she cares for and about me and yet, this is how I’m treated.  As they say in today’s vernacular, I just can’t.

So, here I sit.  In some capacity, I’m lonely.  Confused.  Upset.  Sad.  I just don’t feel good.  There’s a gamut of emotions here for sure, each of which continues to jockey for position and dominance. 

At times, I want to cry and let out all the sad, but the wall of anger burns so strongly, that the tears sear into vapor before they ever have the chance to roll down my face.

I loved her.  I’ll even admit that a part of me still does.  But in the end, it doesn’t matter anymore.  She just proved with her actions and/or lack thereof that I don’t matter either. 

This is probably one of the shittiest goodbyes of which I have been a part.  It was of the silent variety too, and it cut deeply, like a ninja’s katana to the throat.  Silent.  Swift.  Unapologetic.  Slicing deeply.  Never saw it coming, like an assassin in the night.                  

Life will go on as it does and is supposed to.

I’m just sitting here, lost, dejected, and confused. 

This really hurts inside.  It just does. 

The heart and mind that I gave to her, she couldn’t care less about and she had no qualms about just tossing them aside, like they were trash.

Worthless.  Just like I am.