What It’s Like…

I guess I just cracked today.  Just stopped everything and took a much-needed break from life.  I shut things down and took some time to think about things.  Feel things.  I took a step back from everything that’s been going on in my life and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to take a look at everything, from the outside looking in.

Maybe it was a whirlwind of things?

That song above may have also played a role as to why my day went the way it did.   

Father’s Day was yesterday. 

Through the course of my travels yesterday, not a single person wished me a “Happy Father’s Day”.  I didn’t anticipate that sort of thing happening, but I had gone into the day thinking that at least one person would have wished me a “Happy Father’s Day”.  Truth be told, I do not have any children, so in that regard, I am not a father.  Still, I would have appreciated the gesture and had it happened, I would not have corrected whoever said this to me.

Women receive a completely different reception when Mother’s Day rolls around.  Most places, especially eateries, are decorated accordingly.  Shades of white, red, and pink everywhere.  Flowers even.  Some places even give out roses to mothers.  It’s a celebration.  I don’t want to discount what society does on Mother’s Day because it’s warranted, but Father’s Day is very different.  Based on what I saw and experienced yesterday, nobody cares.  It’s just another Sunday in the month of June. 

Here are some quick facts about my life. 

I am a man.  I am an introvert.  I am educated.  I work in a profession that is female-dominant.  I am around women constantly, though not necessarily by choice.  I don’t have many friends, guy friends especially. 

Six days a week, I go to bed early.  I wake up early, go to work, do my job, and return home.  I eat a little bit, try to unwind from the day that was, and go to bed early again, just to return to the grind tomorrow.                        

As the only man in many situations at work, I have to maintain a certain presentation.  I have to be strong at all times.  I have to be the muscle when it’s called for.  Sometimes, I’m even called upon to be a protector at times.  In my head, I can’t deviate from what these women think a man should be or risk being ridiculed.  I have to maintain a certain image.  I can’t ever be down.  I can’t outwardly show that I’m stressed or bothered.  I can’t be sad.  I sure as hell can’t cry.  I can’t even so much as look like I’m about to tear up. 

I hadn’t heard that song above in a few years and today, I decided to take another listen.  Maybe in some way, I felt vulnerable?  Maybe I wanted to be?  I think that I needed to feel some things.  I needed to take a look at everything I do.  Maybe I wanted to remind myself that what I’m doing is important, that I matter, and that it’s okay to experience emotion.  I was never looking to give up or just suddenly stop doing everything that I do.  I guess I needed a reminder that what I do is important and that I can’t stop my grind because of the persistent lack of validation from the world and those around me. 

I thought I could listen to this song and take it all in again, strong and stoic, as I should.  As I did in 2023.  It turns out that this time around, I couldn’t.  Within seconds of the song starting and seeing that man tearing up in his truck, I lost it.  Yes, I’ll admit it.  I cried.  I listened to the song many times across a span of about 90 minutes and each time, I couldn’t keep it together.

I sit here alone (as do many of the men in this video), thinking about everything to which I have been subjected, not only in the past week or so, but for the last few years or so.  I think about my fellow man and everything that he must be going through himself.  My life might have its ups and down, but the next man likely has it worse.  Still, I don’t trivialize the struggles and tribulations of another man.  I keep telling myself that we’re not weak for showing our feelings.  I don’t drink, but I get it.  I don’t do drugs, but again, I get it.  As men, we all have our means of escape.  We’re just supposed to keep our feelings suppressed, especially from women.  I, like most men, keep it all bottled up inside, as we’re supposed to.

But damn, this song made it all come out.

As the song says, I can’t cry when life gets hard. 

I’m not supposed to and truth be told, I usually don’t. 

I deal with regular disappointment.  My feelings get hurt.  People do things to me that I don’t like.  I don’t always get credit for the things I do.  People question what I do.  I work ridiculous hours at work, well above the typical 40 that most full-time schedules entail.  I get disrespected.  Sometimes, I want to give up. 

The list goes on and on. 

As do I. 

Today, I took a mental health break.  I needed to.

As a man, I do what I have to.  I’m not supposed to give up and I won’t.  Dad raised me better than that. 

The song says:

Don’t nobody give a damn about our broken hearts.                            

…disregarded as a human…

…provide…

Don’t give up.

We keep going.  As men, we have to.  We can’t let our feelings take over, especially when there’s work to be done.  Hard work.   

Tomorrow will be a new day.  My mental health break will have ended and it’ll once again be back to the daily grind. 

I will also revert to keeping my feelings hidden from the world because that’s just what I’m supposed to do. 

That’s merely one aspect of what it’s like to be a man.