Trust…just a four letter word…

…which can mean nothing when you no longer have it.

Slowly over the years it has been diminishing…

At about lunch time yesterday, he tells me that he will be starting a 36 hour fast.  But I am starting to think that that was a whole lot of  Just like everything else that he tells me! Where do I begin? Oh, gosh more like when is all this going to end! I don’t know what I am holding on for and why I am holding on…well I know why I just wish that I could get out!

Not even go back to what has been happening for the past two weekends…just this past weekend was a joke. As per normal he has been drinking since Saturday morning. This weekend I chose to stay in bed the whole weekend so I wasn’t too bothered.

 I often feel like I have reached that point but then he would do something to show he still cares and is doing something for himself and us…so I will get all hopefuly, just to come home after work and be dissappointed all over again. And slowly I can feel this all chipping a way my heart and love for him.

I feel like I am going through enough personal shit to have to deal with his behavior and emotional abuse.

He will say things to me and make me believe we want the same thing…and now I just feel as if he is manipulating me.

He knows I want a baby and so he will throw out his desire to have a baby girl that looks just like me and he will go on about how he will create an empire so I wouldn’t have to work and he will get me my dream house…and I will believe it all, but then come home to a 

I finush cooking supper and when I go to the bedroom…he has crawled in and his snoring is so loud I am sure the homeless guy that sleeps in his car down the road can him…so I will be sleeping in the lounge tonight.

I go to the spare bedroom, to get the spare duvet and what do I find??

Immediately the tears come rushing out of my eyes…so I just crawl up into a baby positon on the couch and cry for awhile. I don’t know why I was so upset about seeing that bottle hidden under linen, when I knew there had been a bottle in the fridge all weekend…but that one was gone…  wrapped in 

in a pretty much empty   .

So in a span of 3 days he has managed to drink 2 full bottles of Smirnoff Vodka and I am meant to believe that he fasted during that time?

Okay so he is past out…and has been since 20:05 tonight, but I cannot get too upset about that because I know when I am tired I can sleep regardless of time…but I know he is sleeping because he is hungover. And I cannot really be upset with that….oh wait I can…because he has promised me to stop so many times throughout our relationship, he knows how we will always end up arguing whe he has been drinking…money is tight so I need him to not waste money on alchohol when he claims to be broke when I need money for basic things to keep us fed and to keep the light on.

I put one of the empty bottles of Vodka on his bedside table…I so want to leave a note on it telling him to But if he goes how am I going to pay the…

  

 

  and I just went back onto Medical Aid and I have to fill up my car…and eat…and so many minor things…so the little that he does contribute financially helps me out…and I don’t think  I can survive being on my own…but on the other hand I don’t know if I can continue to survive being with him.

I think I am just too proud and don’t want to seem like a failure and be alone…but staying in a relationship with him is still making me feel alone..I just am carrying a dead weight.

I am too proud to turn to my family…so I am going to have to figure out a way out and officially cut ties with him. I cannot keep living like this..I don’t want to keep living like this.