My Rollercoaster Life
It is so easy to forget the bad feelings when things are going well. A few weeks ago we were good. He was living a sober life and we were in a good place…financially not so much. Financially things got to bad I had to turn to my sister who then spoke to your father and her husband and slowly a plan is coming into motion but seems like will be seriously broke before something happens….but hey Pay day is just a few days away…but through this all what is really bothering me is how little he is concerned or seems to be concerned about our situation.
Suddenly on Saturday he had money to buy himself cigarettes and Autumn Harvest…and the big bottle of Autumn Harvest… haven’t drunk that since I was a teeny bopper and that was the only alcohol we could get out hands on but it was potent and so cheap. When he returned from buying, I asked him why didn’t he rather buy prepaid electricity…his response was ‘Oh oops! I wasn’t thinking…’ of course he wasn’t thinking. On Friday when I went to the shop I rationed my challah purchase, yaheirtz candle purchase just so I could buy him a few pieces of chicken. I am not going to say he never thinks about me but I do feel like an after thought with him and feel as if he has his priorities so twisted.
I told him about how I asked my sister for some financial assistance last week and the whole weekend he was either
1) making me feel shit about sharing his finances with my sister and evidently brother in law and father…even though I ask him if I could before doing so
2) kept asking if she has giving us anything.
I so hope that when I do get financial assistance (should I get any) that I stay strain and not help him or use too much of it to keep us afloat.
I am fed up of having to be the only responsible and active adult in the flat.
Last night the circuit board tripped and he was right at the circuit board but I had to get out of bed to see what was wrong and to flip it back on. He was so focused on whatever music was playing through MY headset that he wasn’t even aware that half the flag had lost power.
I mean I am grateful for how he came to check on me while I was lazing about in bed all weekend and he offered to bring me cereal and make me popcorn and stuff but that isn’t enough. I need him to also stress about of financial issues…well I am sure he is…but I need him to be realistic and be proactive in fixing it. He tells me last night that he is doing something with Bitcoin, so I asked him with what money and he just kept quiet and played his music louder.
A few weeks ago he said he wanted to set up or budget for August and going forward. I kept quiet and avoided looking over it until last week. He got a good raise and is now earning more than me, so he has agreed to cover most of our expenses….which is great and all…but when I looked over it he had left off stuff and when I queried it and asked him if paying off the repairs and getting his car back could be postponed so we could cover more pressing expenses he was adamant that his car had to come back and be paid for meaning I had to somehow find the money to feed us and keep the lights on. Like WTF? He will get his car back, it will be parked on the street outside our flat and out of the whole month he will drive it 4 times and that is just on the weekend and around the block. He works from home, he hates doing shopping and only shops to walk to the liquor store to by booze if get cigarettes…if and when we go out I am the one driving and we go in my car even when his car was here. I don’t understand why he is so set on that Motha Ducking car and having it. Because he insisted on paying the first excess half payment last month I had to forgo medical aid again. And I am drowning with having to cover all these necessary expenses because he won’t adjust his selfish and unnecessary need for an expensive car.
I do love him when things are good and I really do hold on to what I can with him. But I don’t think I can hold on for much more. I just really need some Good Grace and be able to get out of relationship with him and start my dream life in my own.
This weekend I binged on The Rookie…man was it great seeing Chenford together and then of course want to bunch Tim for breaking up with Lucy….anyway…when Nolan and Bailey had Anna for the night my heart bled. Since having my own child is highly unlikely I wonder if I could ever foster as a single woman? But then would I want to? I don’t know if I could ever foster a child just to fall in love with him/her and then have to give them away or back.
I want someone, who is not my family, to want to put be first and above their addictions and desires. I want someone to be an equal with me and not just leave it all up to me and then come down on me when shit hits the fan.
I look back now and think of myself as a fool for letting my life get to this point.
1) using money incorrectly
2) staying with him
3) being so naive
4) failing to follow through with my goals
– education
– lifestyle
5) pulling away from my friends
I am almost 39 and don’t have much to show for 39 years of life. Okay that is false I do have a lot to be thankful for and proud of but I just hate what my life has come to right now.