Who am I?

I don’t know who I am. I don’t think I ever have.

I have based my life on who I was with and the children we share.

For as long as she lived, I based myself on being a Father of a daughter which is different from being a Father of boys. The love is different and I realize that now that it’s to late. She’s gone and has been for 13 years.

I never see my Grandson and I almost don’t know how to see him or have a relationship with him.

My relationship with my boys is better than that, but not much.

But that’s me. I’m broken. I’m no one.

I wish I was what I think is a typical 54 yr old man. Home owner, family man, career, looking forward to retirement.

What I am is an assistant manager at a convenience store making piss poor money, divorced, living is essentially a single room. My whole paycheck is gone and pay day is 2 days from now. So now I’m scrambling and stressed about how I’m going to get to the next pay day.

Can I afford to take my kid to karate this week? Can I afford to feed them if they come over?

I hate that I love my ex. I hate the fact she knew she had to destroy me for her life. Why can’t I be selfish like that? Why can’t I just fuck someone over and leave them penniless and essentially homeless?

Why can’t I be like the fuck who she is with? Someone without morals who lies and sweet talks a person having issues for his own selfish needs.

What’s worse? Why can’t I move on? I have done the work and tried to make the changes, but as the years move on, it’s become worse. I literally had more in my life a year after the separation than I do now. I can’t afford to go looking for a new job. I tried last year and almost put out on the street.

Just fuck it. I exist.