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Self hate

February 16, 2020
Well I once again jumped the gun yesterday (refer to my earlier post) that's more than likely going no where and cost money I should have just lit on fire. There has been one truth I hold to after 40+ years. I hate myself. Yes, I truly hate myself. I am my biggest bully, critic,…
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Recent Entries

  • overthinking
    February 15, 2020
    Ryan or Rian, that was her name. Just a causal neighbor intro while getting mail. First person in this apartment complex I have actually met. Most others shuffle by, heads down. I did the quick 5 second look over, no ring, not under-aged (i think). I even allowed myself to say something dumb like...
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  • Insignificant
    February 14, 2020
    I feel so small. I have lost almost everything over the last year. My wife, my family, friends and possessions.  I have been on the edge of suicidal thoughts. I sat in ERs with panic and anxiety attacks. I have broke down in front of my kids and strangers.  Seen more counselors and doctors than&h...
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  • Anger
    February 13, 2020
    Ok. I'm going to use an example that may hit a nerve, but it's how I have felt for the last year. Say you get cancer, something that could possibly be cured but still it's fucking cancer. Now, as you sit there with you diagnoses and everyone knows, but first the Doctors say "sorry nothing…
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  • Lonely
    February 13, 2020
    I am really starting to understand the "stand up comic" way of life. Now i'm sure not all of them, but you hear all the stories about how some of the funniest one's were also the most depressed.  Now it hard and weird to say that i'm a funny person, but I think I can…
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  • Love
    February 12, 2020
    How does he love you any different than I did to make you love him more than you did me. We had 20 years of history. Four lovely children and family. I was there to reunite you with your Grandmother and to hold you when she passed. I walked your sister down the aisle because…
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  • Another lonely Night
    February 8, 2020
    It's been over 1 year, 365+ days since we separated. She has probably never missed a night's sleep, whereas I sit up every one of the nights until my body physically gives out. Booze, pills, guided meditation, nothing works to quiet my head and soothe my soul so I can sleep. What sleep I get…
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  • It Just Happens…..
    February 7, 2020
    So, it's been a little over a year since my marriage ended. To this day I have been at a total loss of why it did. I have had all the conversations that say, " it doesn't matter why, it just happened." Yes, it just happens, but why to me? I have been a it…
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