The unexplainable

Dear Jesus,

flashbacks flashbacks flashbacks over and over again. I think about so much. I guess I got to turn everything around.

 

 

 

 

i can’t steal the kids food anymore. He actually ate his meal today. This made me feel bad…cuz that meant I was possibly making him hungry. Maybe I need to get it together. Be happy. Last until the end of January…but ask in October if I can be a long term substitute…

 

 

I pressed the restore button again

I’m such a weirdo. My mind is playing tricks on me. so I comfort ate. I had a pop tart, some chicken, some coleslaw, some almonds, and a few plain potato chips.

I think being normal is like no addictions, no matubation, no swearing, no stealing, nothing bad….a good human with alll working functions by society standards…and someone with confidence…..because you can’t be a leader without confidence…but what was I talking about?

 

 

All I know is that life is hard….soooooo many things have happened to me in the past week that it really is waaaay too much to write about. I just feel like I’m juggling too many things inside.

This is my outlet. Talking to You is what helps me to keep things in perspective when I remember Your promises…that You’ll never leave me or forsake me.

I will remember to have faith as big as a mustard seed. I pray things will get better in Jesus name.

 

I fell asleep and woke uo at 3amish….the time I always wake up in the middle of the night. I wiped my facial mask and contemplated life again. Today is the field trip….my first thought went bad….will they take this time to gossip about me or be there for me?

 

I need to stop gossiping too. Last night I was gossiping about miss say but she’s the reason I kind of wanted to stay but what for? My paychecks are so small.

I think I still want to leave. IT IS SO HARD. I wonder what I can do. Just be the hands and feet of Jesus.

 

I don’t think Jesus would do half the things I do…or maybe most….who knows. Many times my actions are due to lack….or frustration of not seeing change. I just seem so far away. I have two auditions that I want to give my all to but I’m just so upset about a lot of things. I just want a better and more comfortable life….but what makes me better or separates me from most to deserve that? Do you have to be really  really bad or a saint in order to be taken care pof like that on earth?

I can’t live like this. no way. this is awful God help me! yes Im going to the pumpkin patch but Im tired of this shit.

I’m just not happy anymore. I haven’t been happy in a while. I am what that commenter wrote on my diary entry a long time ago: oye, he said, you live a miserable life…

And when I read these words, I knew it was true but I became so defensive. I just hate my life….it’s so full of sadness and struggle and betrayal, with lack of love from my own immediate family members – no good has happened. Even the good things get tainted.

Meet someone…..hes a bad guy. Make money; lose money, Good breaks bad breaks….nothing just stays on the up and up.  …it’s a constant struggle.

 

I hate river oaks because they see me struggling and they treat me like I just don’t matter but that is not true…im upset. but I feel overlooked not important at times but I’m sure that’s everyone,

God help me and my situation.