28 days
Dear Jesus,
hey..hi. It’s me. Yes..long time. I just been sulking . But I’m better now. I got a lot of things accomplished. I was given a free gram of weed and made it my last gram of weed. Blueberry muffin. Then I bought from Ten. He didn’t look me in the eye. Can’t tell you why. Then came home and smoked my last blunt with my new best grind Scott. Anyways I’m in bed now.
I need to get some sleep. My glasses are broken so my sight is kinda blurry. I’m aggravated that I have to go to work tomorrow. Some bs.
It’s tomorrow and tomorrow is today (I pressed the good ole restore button).
im upset …I’m upset because I want so much more….but I must be happy with what I got, right? I’ve always been aware of how blessed I am but I also recognize that I could be doing so much better.
i wish I had a better place to live and can afford it…or a nice car…but nope, I just drive a dented Chevy and live at a mostly section 8 apartment complex.
i want so much more God. I’m not getting any younger. I thought I was your child and would be given more than enough. I’m not struggling but I’m definitely not happy.
i got news my dad has a tumor that could be cancerous. I don’t think it is…but how crazy would that be! A man who doesn’t smoke or drink and lives every single day for you…gets cancer. That would be crazy crazy crazy. I’m not sure how to feel about anything.
someone commented on my “hate is the word” entry. I didn’t read the comment so much but I think he or she agreed with me a bit and told me to cheer up or something along those lines. I know WE ALL have our struggles….but this shit sucks.
i don’t understand so much….like this life!? I just need to be in me bed for days with food being delivered and only going out for the gym or beauty treatments…I’m just so over this way of life. So much pain, struggle, sadness, cortisol, and restless nights. I just want happiness.
happpiness to me is a beach. The sun. Good food. Being in the studio. Performing. Being on set. Being totally lost in the character. Doing a meet and greet would be great…I’d sign my album…telling each person how shitty I felt and then my dreams came true.
erica called me out the blue…she is a lesbian from my past who I used to visit in Orlando. We had fun sometimes. I remember not sleeping well at her place…I remember not being happy around her…she was always pressuring me to be in a relationship and trying to convince me that I was a lesbian. She had to learn the hard way that I am not a lesbian and probably will never be. I definitely don’t like women…they bother me…and men bother me too…I’m definitely asexual. I just like men and women for companionship and business. I would love to be affectionate with other adults but I cannot because they may take my affection as love or lust or a desire to be with them. I wish I could be hugged and nothing else would happen. That’s why I work with kids…free hugs….i kid you not….i only work with kids so i get to squeeze their little bodies and hug them so tight. Today two kids hugs me …actually three. Actually I hugged 4…I love kids so much but would never want to take one home…not even my own kid from the hospital (that maybe an exaggeration)…
I just want happiness God. When is that day going to come?
scott just arrived. We are supposed to not smoke until Friday. We both really tired. He stinks and smell like outside. He’s basically homeless…he only sleeps at his aunts house at night. He says it’s hard to find work with a record….i don’t know. I should probably ask what he was locked up for. He wears his murdered brother’s picture in the face of his watch.
my life is filled with people from all walks of life…
im glad I finally submitted my audition in for both the voice and AGT. I hope they both call me back. My next song I’m learning is: Nothing Even Matters or Never Felt This Way…while still perfecting Never Enough. I plan to go over my new Christian song soon too…
I just wish things would get better. I want a better life. I’m trying so hard for a better life. I have a job interview coming up and I have a job fair this weekend. I’m trying so hard to get a new job….
i was thinking maybe I could join a nanny company and find some work. Or go to the job fair and do everything I need to do to become a substitute. I just need MORE TIME …
I need to memorize more songs, be rested enough to enjoy songwriting, create a dance routine for my music, prep for my upcoming show…I need time Father…to get ready!
I am still in bed while my friend Scott is in the front room. I told him that he could rest in the carpet in my front room. He gives plasma for money. He said he was going to give me $15… I wonder if he meant it. I’m sure have to bring it up first.
im going to take a quick much needed nap and deal with everything in an hour. God help me please help us all. Amen