If you can’t beat um joinum

Dear Jesus,

I feel so wretched inside. I woke up…then I coughed up mucus a lot. I have this cough, back then spit… it’s really gross.

I pray it goes away. I took meds yesterday…but it went from a sneeze to a cough…I don’t know…I’m cold too….not now….

 

i feel blessed to be in a tub filled with warm water. It’s just big enough where I can text with drowning in it but still completely submerged just above my head. Perfect fit for me.

i am renewing my lease…after having mice in here!!! Crazy I know!!! But what else should I do? Should I quit HISD and then move to Spring and live my life there? Should I rely on family more…try to have a closer relation and see what happens…?

I would like to move to a better location, I would like the scars on my back and face to go away, I would like to eat healthier…like salads, apple cider vinegar, green and red peppers, watermelon, carrrots, broccoli, avacado….eat all the things that are good for me eggs, fish, pomegranate juice. I just want to take my vitamins and sleep well…watch a really good movie…have clear skin, shiny hair, healthy inside and out. I want to be comfortable, get a massage and pedi and manicure.

it’s now Sunday…maybe 2 days later I’m not sure. I pressed the restore button. Right now I’m watching Joel Osteen on my television while in bed. My air conditioner is on blast so I’m bundled in my bedding. My headache finally went away…Joel is about to start his sermon now.

i wanted to tell you Jesus about my performance yesterday. I wonder if Guy was there…I think so. I’m going to see my family today. I’m so happy that I get to go to the dog park with my nephew, mom and dad.

I performed really well last night!

like I ACTUALLY sung a MC song…all I Want For Christmas….and I did really well!!! That’s a hard song but it was so easy for me.

sometime I think you are so real bc my mom asked me to sing that song…and I used to sing that song when I was in middle school and then I had a recent audition (that I didn’t get) and it required me to sing the intro of that song….i was so surprised…I mean it’s still not memorized but vocally I’m good…just need to memorize better. And my mom wanted me to dance more..:but I was wearing a risqué too and wanted to avoid any malfunctions.

anyways, church is over I’m still in bed. I’ve been text arguing with my man friend that I recently made for 2 months now. He’s about to come over and help me with my laundry.

I’m just here thinking…I like rn…doing nothing. I have to move soon. I was going to eat something but I’m obsessed with the idea of getting in shape. It’s time. Time for weighted upper body movements and building calves. I need to get myself ready to be on the stage. I could barely walk in my heels…I need to work on strengthening my arch with weighted calf raises and tip toeing on the stair master..,need to figure out a way to have more control over my ankles…maybe some ankle weights.

 

days have passed again….i pressed the good ole restore button. I’m watching old episodes of RHOB. Back when Lisa was younger looking…Lisa is what I want and don’t want at the same time. She has it all…at an old age. But I’m sure when she was younger she had it all too…but I always wanted nice things before all the wrinkles.

I haven’t brushed my teeth properly in over two weeks. I’ll brush my teeth maybe once every other day. But starting today, twice a day everyday. I’m going to schedule a dental cleaning for December 12th too if I can.

i been wondering where I’m going to go after this app closes. I know I don’t really talk to anyone…but there is this weird feeling I get that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Where can I find an app where other people can read your life, maybe offer some good vibes or their opinions….

i feel superficial, sweet, lovely, sad, naughty, uncaring, and frustrated all at once…I just wish I had it better God…but I do have it pretty sweet right now…watching RHOB, with a venti non fat latte from Starbucks and half a blunt of some of the best weed I’ve had in a while.

now Lisa’s daughter is coming down the stairway in a $6k gown in the mansion she grew up in…I remember growing up in a house where when I turned in the light switch all the roaches would scatter about in different directions.

I wish I could give my parents the world God? Why hasn’t it happened yet? At least I’ll have enough to bring them to Dallas. I’ll have them spend the night in a nice hotel in Dallas…thanks to Paris Hilton. I’m paying about 350 for two rooms.

I just cried when I saw pandora walk down this long aisle with her father …I feel so upset because I remember my dad shaking my foot and saying I could invite “someone” over too…I got so mad at his comment. BECAUSE I WAS FINE BY MYSELF…HE MADE IT SOMETHING BAD THAT I WAS BY MYSELF INSINUATING THAT I WAS MISSING A PERSON THAT COULD BE BY MY SIDE…like huh?

I don’t know what to do now. I’m kind of tired. I could sleep more if I could. Just bawled my eyes out again. The father and daughter danced…..something I wish I could have. I don’t know: I need to figure out life. Do I need to do something with my life?

I don’t know.

 

i pressed the restore button again…hours have passed. RHOB is still playing in the background but on mute. So far, I worked a little …ordered groceries on instacart. I got my card back from Shervin. I’m so happy about this.

i knew he lied. He said he ordered a new card…but how could they order a new card if the old one is still on. Hmmmmm…..who knows. I bought myself a Starbucks latte on it as well as $20 in groceries.

my friend is calling me. It’s like he has no life unless it’s around me. I don’t think I want to answer. What for? To be stared at? To walk around as he bugs me with his stupid questions? I rather be alone.

sucks because I really don’t like being around anyone. I truly prefer my own company. Rn, I’m in bed…I know I have to rollerset my hair, work on my website, plan out my music video release dates, and pack my entire apartment….but right now, I want to relax.

i ate some left over thanksgiving dinner. Ham, Mac and cheese, green beans stuffing and potato salad…thank you God I felt very blessed.

now I’m just waiting on more food to arrive…oops…laundry. I have to do that too. So much to do. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to the old lady, Miss smith, for her birthday. It’s cool. She like my family….so I don’t really feel obligated. Honored to know a lady so old.

Hours have passed….i pressed the restore button again. I’m still watching RHOB. I love Yolanda. Wish I was that rich. Instead, I discover a new insect bite on my skin each day from a gator bed bug or pesky roach…something’s biting me and I don’t know what.

Im laying in bed while my hair is blow drying. I’m thinking about everything I need to do. For example, I need to tape an audition but I don’t think I will…it’s for a business woman. I feel fat. I just ate a whole pizza.

I need to lose 15 pounds but it’s super hard. I have to literally stop eating. Like it’s 4:23pm. I’m fasting now. Technically I can’t eat until 9:30am tomorrow. With that being said, I’ll probably indulge in a McGriddle meal tomorrow. Gonna try to work out first.

I may let my friend sleep over tonight. Only because I can get 8 hours because I know he will be tired. And I can have someone to make me make it to the gym tomorrow. I have a long day tomorrow…nah nevermind. I like sleeping at my place alone, being alone…I’ll just make sure to buy weed when he gets here…and two grams….and then I have to let him stay at least until midnight…smoke two blunts with him and keep the rest.

I pressed the good ole restore button again…it’s been hours and hours into the next day. It’s almost 7AM on Saturday. I didn’t really sleep last night. I almost feel an obligation to go see my sister. Shes sleeping by my parents. I want to be there with all of them but I live far. Plus I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep for two more hours.

 

whats his face is here…sleeping on my living room floor. He bought two grams of weed so he gets to hang out with me for the day. His full day access pass….all it costs is two grams of weed. I bought myself a $7 drink from Starbucks and it’s already almost gone. I drink too fast…I don’t know how to sip: I’m not going to talk bad about myself…

I just have a lot to do. But I’m tired so I’m going to get some rest first. I’m just feeling so lost. I saw a YouTube video about everytime I feel upset just write it down and ask God to fix it.

 

well right now I’m tired but I want to say good bye to my sister in spring. Please allow me enough time to rest and to see my sister still. Amen.