The understandable entry thanks ai

Dear Jesus,

I feel so worn out inside. I woke up coughing and bringing up a lot of mucus—it was gross and uncomfortable. I pray this cough goes away. I took medicine yesterday, but it went from a sneeze to a full cough. I don’t understand what’s going on. I’ve been cold on and off.

Right now I feel blessed to be soaking in a warm bath. The tub is just big enough for me to relax and text without worrying, and I can fully submerge under the water. It feels perfect.

I’m renewing my lease—even after having mice in here. It sounds crazy, I know, but I’m not sure what else to do. Should I quit HISD and move to Spring? Should I try relying on my family more and see what comes of that relationship?

I want a better location. I want the scars on my back and face to fade. I want to eat healthier—salads, apple cider vinegar, peppers, watermelon, carrots, broccoli, avocado, eggs, fish, pomegranate juice. I want to take my vitamins, sleep well, watch a good movie, have clear skin, shiny hair, and be healthy inside and out. I want comfort, a massage, a manicure, a pedicure.

It’s now Sunday—maybe two days later. I pressed the restore button again. I’m lying in bed watching Joel Osteen while my air conditioner blasts and I’m bundled up. My headache finally went away.

I wanted to tell you, Jesus, about my performance yesterday. I wonder if Guy was there. I think he was. Today I get to see my family, and I’m happy about going to the dog park with my nephew, mom, and dad.

And I actually sang an MC song—“All I Want for Christmas”—and I did really well! That song is hard, but it felt easy. My mom asked me to sing it, and it brought back memories of middle school. I even had an audition recently where I had to sing the intro. I didn’t get the part, but vocally I did well. I just need to memorize better. My mom wanted me to dance more, but I didn’t want any wardrobe malfunctions.

Church is over now and I’m still in bed. I’ve been arguing over text with a man I’ve been seeing for two months. He’s coming over to help me with laundry. I’m just here thinking—sometimes I like doing absolutely nothing. I need to move soon. I was going to eat something, but I’m obsessed with getting in shape again. It’s time. Time for upper-body weights, calf work, strengthening my arches and ankles so I can walk onstage confidently in heels.

Days passed again. Restore button.

I’m watching old RHOB episodes—back when Lisa looked younger. She’s everything I want and don’t want at the same time. She had it all then and still has it all now. But I always wanted nice things before the wrinkles.

I haven’t brushed my teeth properly in over two weeks. Maybe once every other day. But starting today: twice a day, every day. I’ll try to schedule a dental cleaning for December 12th.

I’ve been wondering where to go after this app closes. I know I don’t talk to many people, but I feel like I’m not the only one who feels this way. Is there an app where people can share their lives and others can read, offer good vibes, maybe advice?

I feel superficial, sweet, lovely, sad, naughty, uncaring, frustrated—all at once. I wish I had a better life, God… but I also know I’m blessed right now, watching RHOB with a venti non-fat latte and some of the best weed I’ve had in a while.

Now Lisa’s daughter is walking down the hallway in a $6k gown, in the mansion she grew up in. I remember growing up in a house where flipping the light switch made the roaches scatter in every direction.

I wish I could give my parents the world. Why hasn’t it happened yet? At least I’ll have enough to bring them to Dallas, put them in a nice hotel. I’m paying about $350 for two rooms.

I cried watching Pandora walk down the aisle with her father. It made me upset because I remembered my dad shaking my foot and saying I could invite “someone” over too. It irritated me, because I was fine being by myself. He made it sound like something was missing.

Now I’m tired. I could sleep more. I bawled again watching the father–daughter dance. Something I wish I could have. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I feel like I need to figure everything out.

Pressed restore again.

RHOB is still on in the background. I did a little work, ordered groceries, got my card back from Shervin—thank God. I knew he lied about ordering a new card; you can’t order a new one if the old one still works. I bought myself a Starbucks latte and $20 in groceries.

My friend is calling me. He acts like he has no life unless he’s with me. I don’t want to answer—he just stares, asks annoying questions. I prefer being alone. I’m in bed thinking of everything I need to do: rollerset my hair, work on my website, plan my music video release dates, pack my entire apartment. But right now, I want to relax.

I ate leftover Thanksgiving dinner—ham, mac and cheese, green beans, stuffing, potato salad. I felt blessed. Now I’m waiting for more food to arrive. And I still have laundry. Tomorrow I’m supposed to visit Miss Smith for her birthday. She’s like family, so I don’t feel obligated—I’m honored.

Hours later—restore button.

I love Yolanda. I wish I were that rich. Instead I’m finding a new bug bite every day from who-knows-what. I’m lying in bed while my hair blow dries. I need to tape an audition, but I don’t want to—I feel fat. I ate a whole pizza. I want to lose 15 pounds but it’s so hard. I feel like I have to stop eating entirely.

It’s 4:23 p.m. and I’m fasting until 9:30 a.m. tomorrow. But I’ll probably indulge in a McGriddle meal. Maybe I’ll work out first. I might let my friend sleep over just so I get eight hours of rest and have someone to help me get to the gym. But honestly, I like sleeping alone. I’ll just make sure to buy weed when he gets here—two grams—and let him stay until midnight. Smoke two blunts with him and save the rest.

Restore again.

It’s almost 7 a.m. on Saturday. I didn’t sleep much. I feel like I should go see my sister—she’s staying at my parents’ house. I want to be with them, but I live far and I’m exhausted. I just want two more hours of sleep.

He’s here now, sleeping on my living room floor. He bought two grams, so he gets a full-day access pass to hang out with me. I bought myself a $7 Starbucks drink and it’s almost gone. I drink too fast. I’m not going to talk badly about myself though.

I have so much to do, but I’m tired and need rest. I saw a YouTube video that said every time you’re upset, write it down and ask God to fix it.

So, God—right now I’m tired. But please let me rest enough and still make it to say goodbye to my sister in Spring. Amen.