well…

Here I am. Writing in journal number….who knows. I always journal. And I always give up on every journal I’ve ever had. Let’s see how long I can keep this one going.

I have a big story but I guess I’ll just start in pieces.

The other day, I hurt someone emotionally. At least I think I did. Most likely. Me and this guy. We’ll call him Jordan. Me and Jordan met online. Sounds ridiculous meeting online, but we did. We started talking. We talked for a year or so. Then we decided….hey we should meet. So we did. we met in a city where he had family. We got a hotel. Did the deed, multiple times. I was very comfortable with him. Very. It was amazing being with him. We had a kind of connection. I am quiet though and connect more through writing, so I was quiet a lot throughout the trip. But we had an enjoyable time nonetheless. I thought it would be awkward meeting someone new, but he wasn’t technically new. And he talked me through a hard time in my life. I had depression  and he was the only one I could really talk to about it. Everyone else seemed so distant, but maybe that was my fault for distancing myself. But at that time I blamed myself for everything.

That was last fall that we visited each other. So we got close and I was going to visit him where he lived on Spring break of this year. The problem was that the closer and closer the trip got, the less I felt inclined to go on this trip. It was my fault because I got depressed again, and am still depressed currently. Also I am just struggling with a lot of things. Insecurities, myself, I am just a confusing person and am not good with commitment. He wanted me to eventually move out to where he lived and be with him. But it is such a sacrifice because he lives on the other side of the country and I would be leaving everything I know. I truly am not independent enough and stable enough to do so.

I could’ve still taken this spring break trip anyway, but I just started feeling weird about it. And as much as I want to, I just don’t have the same feelings for him as I did. Or maybe the depression is just making me lose everything.

I skipped classes today and pretended to be sick. I am really good at faking sick and getting out of things. I’ve done it since I was little. I’m just failing everything. So I’m making an appointment with the school counselor on Monday to get counselling. Because….I tried to last year and I only went to one session. Like I said, I’m not good with commitment.

So I’m going to try and get help again, even though it’s the hardest thing for me to do. I hate hate hate asking for help. It’s almost as bad as confrontation. I do not confront people. I just don’t.

Okay, so now you know a little about me. I’ll keep this journal as long as I can and empty out my deep thoughts because I can’t help but write.

~R