It’s sometimes hard to share with groups of people who don’t really know you because they don’t know where you are now in your grief all they know is how they *think they would feel themselfs if in the same shoes.

I wonder how to share about my son like we all share about things our kids did as they grew up… or use the subject of my grief without people thinking I have a NEED to talk about this or without people thinking I am still deeply hurting.

I have found of late the opportunity to share about Nathan’s Childhood. And I have found opportunity to share about my grief and how God has carried me. It’s been cool to have the opportunity to share.

Most everyone here knows I have a Child who died and that is about it. Most still give me that puppy dog look because they don’t know at what place my Journey is now. Only 4 people here know that I am not consumed, they know that I know Life Goes On (as this diary’s title once said).

In one of the Bible studies I am in, the leader mentioned yesterday and another time too that my Grief is probably still Raw. I agreed only because there is so much to be said and *THEN* wasn’t the time to enlighten her.. But Um NO.

(Raw.. I ponder that.. It can be but typically not) With each move we have done it is like *Starting-Over. I feel further and further removed from Colorado and 1996. It was another lifetime 3 *Start-Overs ago. Not to say I don’t have those out of the blue moments that happen maybe……. once a year?… but it certainly is not how I think she assumes.

I mentioned this site and she said.. “It is/was probably theraputic” Again I found myself shaking my head and yet thinking at the same time… “Um NO” (Again not the time to enlighten her).

In thinking further… I don’t know, was it? By the time I came to the OD I had 3 years of Online Grief Support.. now that was theraputic!
My main reasoning for starting this diary was to get everything (thoughts and writings) in one place. Even in hindsite, I don’t see that I ever used it as theraputic.
However, I know of people who have come to the Open Diary for various reasons, grief included and found this place to be a Blessing.

It has been cool being 14 years down the road and sharing about Nathan. It’s different.. It seems more freeing to do so. I am in such a different place now. As people get to know me they will see that.

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December 23, 2010

I have learned so much from your entries about Nathan. I think of you and your words very often.

July 3, 2011

I will never forget when you sent me that compassionate letter when Jake passed.

October 4, 2011

I have not forgot you….