Profound sadness

I don’t know if there’s ever been a point in my life that I have felt sadness so deep and so long lasting.

Its a terrible feeling to feel like a burden to hope that there is no tomorrow because the pain is so unbearable. I went to the hospital I just wanted them to commit me because I can’t take it anymore but for my children I keep going but they gave me some pills and sent me home.

Ive lost my home. I have no money. The pain is deeper than grief. Maybe it is grief I want my children to have a bed I want them to have their things.

My husband hurt me so deeply today. He hates me and that’s painful. I asked a question. One simple question but a forbidden one. My exact question was “I’m not trying to be nosey or rude but what came out of your check this week?” We don’t have a home anymore we don’t need to pay electric or water so I wanted 10 in gas money to take my kids somewhere for a break a park or a lake anywhere. That set him off.  I’m so stuck so trapped. 15 years of this life.

My daughter told me she hated me yesterday that I destroyed her life sometimes I think my kids will never understand how much I have tried for them.

I wonder if anyone has ever survived this amount of profound sadness. Last week i found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time and I stared at death I thought it was the end and I just didn’t care. I just don’t care. I just don’t know what to do.