3.4.25

Alright, its been a good day actually but its been kind of chaos. For the first time I met someone on one of my Fortnite groups and we were going to play tonight at 5 but I got a call at 2 about Finn. He did something in gym, he still isn’t quite sure what he did, but he hurt his thumb. The nurse thought he might have broken it because it swelled up really bad right away and he was favoring it and would cry out when it was touched. Its not broken, but its very swollen. The doctor said the fracture could be hiding and if he’s still in pain in a week to see his doctor and have another Xray done. When Madi broke his wrist they couldn’t tell in the first Xray and then were able to see it in the second a week later. Hopefully its not broken and in the next couple of days he can use it again. Until then its wrapped in an ace bandage and immobilized. Anyway, because all of that happened today it zapped my social battery and I had to cancel playing tonight. Hopefully we can play tomorrow or another day. The thing is, I am like days away from getting my mic and I want someone who has kids (she does and her kid will probably play with us), and someone who I can just be friends with.

I caved and bought diet coke. It makes me smile and I like it, and I am going to allow myself one good thing. I am not going back to drinking one a day, but I am going to enjoy it every once in a while. I am not going to apologize for it. But I need to keep it in check because I was going off the rails with it and drinking multiple a day, unacceptable. Its just plain gluttonous for me, and very bad for my kidneys. I always get kidney infections when I drink too much.

I watched the presidential address to the nation. All it did was make me feel absolutely dispondent about this country. He just flat out lies and people take him at his word. Even when the truth is in front of their faces. Sometimes I just want to bend the knee and give up on my disability and get a job and suffer through. I think if I am medicated enough I could get by with one breakdown/episode a year. But Jeff wont let me. He doesn’t control me but he very loudly disagrees with agreeing and complying to make it easier on them. I am entitled to disability and he firmly believes I should keep it until I am stable enough to not need it, if that ever happens. But sometimes its so tempting.

Today I got an email from Jeffrey’s teacher that he is sleeping in science class. He is staying up late and sleeping during class. Absolutely unacceptable. You will not throw away your education. I have to draft an email back to the teacher. I have taken steps to make sure this doesn’t continue. He is taking melatonin for the next couple of nights to get him falling asleep earlier and his electronics are locked up at 9. Melatonin was suggested by his doctor as long as we don’t use it every day for 5+ days without a break. I trust her, and it seems to help him in the short term when we need it.

I think I am going to take my meds, smoke with Jeff, and head to bed. My Samsung watch had been showing my oxygen while I sleep getting as low as 84%. I am having trouble feeling rested, I could literally sleep all day and night. Jeff has a CPAP machine, he just got it. Since he has two size nose things and head straps and I go to bed hours before him I have been using it the past couple nights. I have been having “events” over 1 an hour (not that much, but enough). Since I have been using it I do feel better rested. I usually take his off in the middle of the night and by the time he comes to bed he can just switch it out and use it.

The reason I have been using his and not getting my own right now is insurance. It has to be used for 8 hours a night for 21 nights a month for the insurance to cover it. Jeff has extreme insomnia and some nights he comes to bed at 5 AM and wakes back up at 8. He has ADHD and one of the ways it manifests is insomnia. After 10 months of using it 21 days he owns the machine. Once he owns his machine, I will get a sleep study and see if I qualify for my own. I don’t want to hear anything, there is no ethics in a profits for health system. He uses it every night, he just doesn’t sleep for enough hours. Anyway…I see an improvement in my restful sleep when I use it even for a couple hours.

Alright, Im sleepy, G’Night