In my feelings

I can feel myself leveling out, I am not 100 percent yet but I am getting there. I am doing my best. I have been thinking a lot about the people I have already lost in 2025..my cousin, my two friends, one of which was one of the longest friendships I have ever had, and my dad. My cousin is gone forever and there’s nothing I can do to bring him back. I would lay down my life if it meant he could come back. He meant so much more to people and is so needed around here. My friends…well honestly I split on them pretty hard and I have little memory of the substance of the argument. I remember being called a liar, mean things being said on both sides, and then it just devolved. I should have never shared my feelings about one and what I was struggling with with the other because she shared it with the friend and it just made it worse. I miss them, but things got toxic and I am sure they’re happy I am gone. Thats why I blocked them and disappeared. When the friendship with A dissolved I just removed myself from the other friendship because I knew she wasnt going to choose me over her literal best friend and roommate. So why even put myself in that position, why not just leave. That ended up being a mistake because I hurt her feelings for not giving her closure. Its okay she hurt my feelings back so we are even I guess. What I heard from what she said is I don’t listen to my therapist and I dont do my work that I need to and shes better than me because she actually tries. Nevermind my therapist was the one whoencouraged me to block her if I didn’t think I could have the conversation I wanted and come back to it when I am more level headed because I mentioned literally opening up the messages and scrolling and obsessing over what to say and I was wanting to torpedo everything. She told me that she thought that it was a good idea when I brought it up and my reasoning. Guess I did, just in another way. With the loss of my cousin I feel a need to make amends with everyone and I miss them and I want them in my life, but I don’t think they can be the friends I need and I definitely am not the friend they want. A big issue was I didn’t stop long enough or at all on the way to Denver. I have my reasons but I was told those don’t matter and I just didn’t care. That’s not it.

Its a 15 hour drive to Denver from here. Most of the time we leave in the evening at like 5 and we don’t get into their city until very late. Or if its like 11 PM we cant necessarily stop for too long because we cant afford a hotel room and I cant drive at night due to night blindness. That means getting as far as we can and then napping at a rest area. I never want to stop on the way home because one of their children has heart issues and I don’t want to bring a virus that causes any issues. Every time we go to Denver we come home and get sick, not sure why but we always pick up a virus there. None of this matters. Im just in my feelings tonight that’s all and my therapist is sick of hearing about it lol. I am supposed to stay out of their heads, if they wanted me in their life they would tell me.

Mac is feeling better today, thankfully. That means he shouldn’t miss any school on Tuesday. Jeff has his appointment tomorrow and hopefully that means we get a surgery scheduled. I am ready for this. He is in a lot of pain and discomfort and he is also ready for this. Since my cousin died though I am so worried he will die. He has never given up on me, I don’t know how to live without him.

I got through the day with no naps! I started getting very sleepy around 8 but I got up and walked around the house and when I sat back down I was okay.

We have Jeffs appointment tomorrow, Ty has his 9 month appointment on Wednesday and then Thursday the big boys have a concert. I am thinking we will leave Ty at home with Vaeh during the concert so he doesn’t get exposed to all the nasty coughing people that will be at the school. This is a long ass concert for the entire district so there is performances all day. Every time we have gone to this concert we get sick because no one masks/covers their coughs.

Alright, I am done brain dumping, this entry is over