A week late but, since I’ve had such a shitty first TWO weeks of April, I figure I need all the help I can get.
In no particular order.
- My husband.
Given my last entry, I’m sure that will surprise everyone. There’s more to all of that, BTW. Just don’t have it in me to write it right now. Maybe never. Who knows. I’ve never been great about writing in here consistently.
Anyway. I am thankful for him. He knows me, good and bad. He loves me, good and bad. He accepts me, good and bad. He is my support, my anchor. He’s patient, smart, empathetic. He’s committed (you’ll have to take my word for it). He is flawed like everyone else but, unlike everyone else, he has always been willing to work on himself and accept help when required. We communicate and are honest with each other — keeping in mind that there’s not much anyone can do or expect when they’re not able to be honest with themselves about something. We are constantly and consistently learning together, growing together, making progress together. We have a respectful, give and take relationship. Sometimes I am the strength and support, other times he takes on those roles. Together, we are strong and getting stronger every day. To this day, including recent events, we have never had a fight. Disagreements, misunderstandings and upsets, yes, but never a fight. There is no one I’d rather spend my life with, still. I don’t say any of that with irony or self-doubt or a lack of self-worth. I may suffer from depression and frequently think everything is hopeless LOL but I’m simultaneously fully aware that I am an individual worthy of everything I want out of life.
- My health. Ha.
Such as it is (and it is, indeed, a hot fucking mess), it could indeed be worse. At least I have a doctor who seems to know what she’s doing and who takes me seriously. At least I have an appointment with the endocrinologist next month which is a helluva lot closer than it was 7 months ago when I got the appointment. At least medicine has had time to evolve in the last 10 or so years since I went through this whole rigamaroll last time. At least there are drugs in the meantime and options for more radical treatment if needed eventually (ie, cannabis prescriptions, shock thereapy, etc).
- My relationship with my brother.
It’s finally something I cherish, something I can rely on and even enjoy. I will need it as our mother gets older and certain issues require addressing.
- My country.
Thank fuck I don’t live in the USA. There’s plenty of things that need improvement here in Canada but at least my country’s leader isn’t a racist, misogynistic, homophobe and the laughing stock of the world. At least I don’t have to worry about getting gunned down in a mass shooting at a public event – or in a grocery store – or anywhere else some asshat decides they’ve had enough. At least I can get medical treatment without going bankrupt if I do happen to get shot, in some kind of accident or acquire some even shittier disease. At least my country’s laws and policy are, generally, based upon acceptance and respect for the different individuals that make up our great nation. At least we’re not stupid enough to accept a mantra that assumes our nation was ever NOT great (not that we’ve always done good or right things – especially with respect to the indigenous people).
[Anyway, I’m sure this will cue scores of scathing potato-supporting flame throwers who I will block immediately. No worries. My diary = my opinions. You don’t like it, don’t read it. Fuck off already, eh?]
- My self-awareness.
— although it’s frequently a blessing and a curse at the same time, I wouldn’t be who I am today without it.
Huh. Compiling that list was way more difficult than I anticipated… Not quite in a normal-for-me head space yet, I guess.