7 weeks 3 days

So I’m into my 8th week now and I never write! But like someone noted on a previous entry, who wants to hear about how nauseous I am or all the foods that turn me green?? No one! And thats all life is about right now. Every smell and the sight of any food makes me sick. I don’t throw up… not yet…but I do feel sick all day and I’m aversed to all food. I do manage to eat though, I know I have to, but I find myself eating the same things all the time. Soynut butter on wheat bread treats me OK. Grapefruit Juice, Strawberries, water with lemon. Ewww Nothing sounds good right now! But I have highs and lows throughout the day. Usually I get this weird burst of engergy in the late evening, like 9:00 at night. Just in time to go home and eat dinner, the only time I WANT to eat, and then you’d think since i was so tired all day I’d be able to go right to bed….but nope! Not anymore! Now I can’t sleep. I play on the computer until 1am and then toss and turn for another hour. Seems like just yesterday though I was crashing anytime, day or night. now I’m entering a hard-to-sleep stage. Hope it doesnt last! The sick feeling hits me out of the blue…from fine to terrible in 2 seconds flat! But, I’m not complaining.

I was so excited to get pregnant and I still couldn’t be happier…but working under these conditions has NOT been easy. I manage a restaurant and I’m the only manager right now, so everyone is looking at me for every little thing. My staff ranges from high school students to 37 year old waiters, from young Russian guys to Jamacian 20 somethings to your regular 21 year old white american kid doing nothing but waiting tables with his life. My hormones just rage and sometimes I hate the sound of their voices. Actually thats most of the time. And usually I’m so tired and queasy that leaving my office chair is the hardest part of the day, let alone talking to guests about how their dinner is going! Ughghghghhhhhh it’s not easy. I’m not motivated to do much these days, except during my hour long energy spurts that never last. I feel really guilty because I just got a 20% raise! Yay! I’ve waited and worked long and hard for this raise and I know I deserve it. "Work" doesnt know I’m pregnant yet though, and since I got this raise….I dont plan on telling them until I’m at least 12 weeks. But that is coming up the first week of January. So I think it would actually be better for me to wait a couple more weeks after that. But I’m not sure. It kind of depends on how things go, and whats going on with work and my pregnancy once January rolls around. I wish I had the answers when it comes to telling work. I wish right and wrong was cut and dry in these situations! We are a somewhat small community here, I would hate for anyone to feel like I lied or decieved them, or feel bad that I "couldnt" tell them for so long. 12 weeks is normally for telling your employer your pregnant. So I dont feel bad about that. However I really want to wait longer, but I’m afraid that would be viewed as sneaky or dishonest…or they would question why i wanted to keep it a secret for so long, and what would I tell them? Well, my concerns are that my boss would think I’m no longer comitted to the restaurant because I’m pregnant, which is not true. I dont want him to think I’m going to work any less hard or that I’m not going to be able to work the hours that are expected. No I dont want to work the hours I’m working, and it will only get harder as i get further along. I am LUCKY to get 1 day off every 8 or 10 days. I work 1030am until at least 10:30pm most nights. IT FUCKING SUCKS. Let me tell you. Especially pregnant, but regardless it sucks. I dont have a choice right now and I dont want them regretting my raise when I tell them i’m pregnant.

I also have short term dissability, which means that I plan to take 3 months off PAID. I will be losing about 100 dollars a month while I sit at home with new baby from the end of July until the end of october. The timing is perfect though, because that is our slow season. Nothing is going on during those months and this place can be run by 1 manager (we are closed 3 days a week during that entire time). So I know they will at least be pleased about the timing. However right now the whole thing is a scary prospect beacuse they have no other managers for this restaurant except me.

As I type this, I’m starting to think I should just NOT WORRY ABOUT IT. They can deal with the work related consequences of me being off work, or me being pregnant in general. Its not really my problem. Its not my fault that they can’t staff this place adequetely. Its not my fault I am the only goddamn manager here and ive been busting my ass alllllll summer long up until this point. I didnt change my pregnancy plans according to my work circumstances, because they should be getting more managers for this restaurant. I’m carrying on being happy with my pregnancy. SHIT!

Onto a better topic….Paul wasnt very understanding at first about my "symptoms". He ragged on me about sleeping all the time (when i wasnt WORKING that is), he made fun of me when I cut back on exercising, etc. Oh yeah, speaking of which, I basically stopped working out. I was running and doing p90x and weight lifting etc but once the morning sickness started in my 6th week I just couldnt do it. The last run I went on was really hard because i was so tired i had to walk most of the time and it felt like i was dragging my body down the trail rather than working out. I still run up and down the stairs all day/night at work, run around the restaurant like crazy, and i’m aways on my feet. Me and Paul go kayaking a couple times a week (at the most- i usually sleep as long as i can and he goes alone!) which is a great ab and arm workout. When I feel good, I will work out. I feel really shitty about skipping work outs. But once I get past the queasy stage I think it will be easier. I still want to be comitted to working out during this pregnancy, whole heartedly. Its so important and i know if i dont do it, I will regret it big time. But, if i feel like im going to faint right when i get outta bed, its kinda hard to put on running shoes and hit the pavement. Plus, not eating much has impared how good i feel but everything i eat makes me feel like i could puke it back up. Anyway, all this is normal and healthy according to where im at with my pregnancy and i’m not too worried about it. I just hope i get some motivation when i start feeling better. I dont want to gain a shitload of weight and struggle to keep it off. That is a big concern of mine! But not more than my concern for keeping this baby healthy inside there until its time to come out!

Im having fun looking into different names. I like so many, its hard to choose. But Paul still wants Leo for a boy. Just need a middle name. As for a girl, I have no idea. I like a lot of names. I will post some here as I think of them 🙂

Gotta go- I’m at work slacking off

E