beautiful girl. <3 KM <3 edited!!!!

i can already tell this is going to be extrememly inarticulate and plagued with typos.

I AM UPSET!!!!!!!!! and i am angry! because I am confused!!!!!!

A beautiful girl, one of the truly greatest girls i have ever met in my life, died saturday night at 9:50pm.

I shouldnt be so distraught over this, because we have not physically seen each other since i left western michigan university in 2006. That is almost 4 years since I have seen Kelly. I have been thinking about why i am reacting this way.

Because you meet a lot of people in this life. I met TONS of people during college at the same time as when I met Kelly. I have met TONS of people since then. In new york, in michigan, in west virginia. Before college, after college, yesterday, or 2 years ago. I remember few of these people. But I remember Kelly. Boy, do I ever remember Kelly. I remember everything about her. For those 2 years I was there, we saw each other basically everyday. I met her sister (best friend sister!), I saw her cry, we laughed till we cried. We werent that close, one on one, but our group was tight. We shared our one on one moments. She made me feel better about myself during a very very difficult time. I remember one night in particular, i was starting to get all freakin stupid again with self doubt and that night i purged. I went to the bar for our friend Sarah’s birthday with Kelly and a group of friends including my bff emily. Kelly didnt know what was on my mind that night, but she was so vibrant and refreshing and thoughtful, so cheerful and uplifting- she gave me compliments and made me laugh and genuinely lifted my spirits. I knew i needed to stop hurting my body and be more like Kelly.

I was always in awe of Kelly. It’s true. I stared at her a lot. I admired her and wanted to be more like her, more full of life, having a more child-like spirit, full of joy. I wanted to be as genuine as her. I wanted to captivate people the way she did. Her then boyfriend Cole, now finacee, told me once in his townhouse kitchen the night i first met her that he loved her for her dark brown hair and bright green eyes. the combination was his hook line and sinker. Then i met her and i could see why. She was incredible. She was cute and bubbly and completely unaware of her capabilities in turning a room. She was goofy and silly so taaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllll with long long legs for days. She was a dancer. When i was finishing my class, she was just coming in. We’d talk in the locker room. Her friends were all dance majors like her at the time, and they were amazing and antimidating…i couldnt belive she would break away from them to talk to little old me, at least a class below her and only a dance minor. The class I took before hers was an elective! I couldnt belive she didnt care or notice that gap between us in that freakin ballet locker room. WHEW!

Kelly was feeling sick ealier this year and went to the doctor. I didnt know anything about this. All of a sudden, she announces that she’s been diagnosed with cancer, FEBUARY OF 2010. No one could belive it– i certainly couldnt! But obviously everyone was hopeful. It didnt seem THAT bad. It got bad, of course, and they started a fund called team kelly meloney. They had benefits and everything- she went to them. She looked beautiful at her big benefit on April 26, 2010. So gorgeous!! She really looked like herself, only really really thin. Her wrists were nonexistent- because her entire arm was the same size from her shoulder to her hand. But her face was the same. Her eyes were the same. Her smile was definately the same!!!!! Less than a month later, she was gone. The cancer took her life. She was in the middle of a special type of chemo, posting journal entries once a week for everyone to read. She said the chemo was working sometimes, then it wasnt working, then they’d switch the chemo…then she posted an entry about what she’s learned from all this. About living for today, living in the moment. Telling people you love them no matter what. of not waiting. It was the last journal entry she ever posted, though she never said she thought it was the end. She never let anyone think she was suffering. They say she died smiling and comfortable, telling jokes in her bed with her family around her, at the home where she grew up.

Of course, i don’t understand how God could take Eric and then a year later take Kelly. They were 2 of this planets most amazing young people. They were truly 2 people in my life that kind of hovered above everyone else, on some sort of other level that i admired from a distanace with a powerful intrigue. I dont know why God does what he does. I think I wont understand until I get there, where Kelly and Eric are. Where my grandpa is. I feel so strongly now though that from the very begining God molds us and molds our life and all of it has a purpose. That purpose is never something you can understand clearly, or see completely, or make sense of in one direct picture. Its there hidden in every encounter with the people in your life. I think you must feel it coming. You must get a certain sense for what important, and a sense of something higher thats about to happen to you and everyone around you. Something beyond you and beyond your control, but completely of you and for you and meant to be. And you must feel peace with this, if you are someone like Eric or Kelly. I hope its this way for me. I will never understand. I don’t even see yet what this means for my life or what i should take from it. Im confused and scared and know i need to push for something more right now. I need to push myself and my soul and my faith and all the things i know that are true and live my dreams. I need to be myself and be true to myself. I need to get my head out of the freakin clouds and make sense of myself with some CLARITY. I have no perspective or clarity right now, except for that fact that i am not focussed on all the right things, only some of them. I need to get my head out of my ass.

I feel for cole. for kimberly. for evan and kyle. for mr and mrs meloney. for all the people closest to kelly and her family. god bless you and be with you. my heart breaks for you even from this distance. I know Kelly is with jesus now and forever. She will be greatly missed on this earth by EVERYONE who knew her.

<3 <3 <3 <3