doin it.

I never know where to begin on these things anymore. Not that I ever write, much less write anything meaningful. I always feel like I should be writing though. But I usually don’t. Or can’t. Whatever.

Work is good and fulfilling. Long and tiring, but pretty easy for the most part. I mess up some things, but they are usually small and easily fixed. I haven’t totally fucked anything up yet, and we’re past the point where I’m likely to now. Its come along very smoothly from the start. I’ve been alone since my second day there- my direct supervisor went on vacation my second week of work and I was running the restaurant alone that whole time, plus before that point, and I continue to except the 2 days a week we are scheduled together (usually spent in meetings). I’m doing well though and getting great feedback from all levels of management. I AM SO GLAD I MADE THIS TRANSITION. I, together with Paul, made it my goal to be in a management position before leaving the Greenbrier. It was definately my "goal", and I was working towards it, but I didn’t really feel confident that I’d actually make it happen. I guess I knew I’d have to really put myself out there in order to get a management job there, and I wasn’t sure I was capable of doing that considering the mental rut I’ve been in for the past 2 years or so. I haven’t really been in the mood to push myself like that. Somehow, I guess because this opportunity just kind of smacked me in the face, I was put in a position where I couldn’t back out without looking like a total idiot retard weakling, and I made myself do it. I just did it. I did it blindly and with the thought of "oh well if I dont make it" and at the same time "I will die if I dont make this because this is what I NEED right now!" And it was exactly what I needed and I knew it so whole heartedly–if I could just make this transittion into something that would make me proud of myself, something I was actually WORKING towards, something that was helping me GET somewhere–I knew the dark clouds would break a little bit and I would come out of my rut and finally feel alive again. And its true–its worked. I’m actually involved in my own future now which is cool. I’m actually working on it and its actually something that is ACTIVE and in progress. I’m not just sitting around waiting for things to happen to me anymore. And truthfully, there was a day I remember specifically where I said "I am GOING to take the initiative. I am GOING to take control of my own attitude. I am GOING to make extrodinary things happen for me. I am not going to wait!!" <<i copy and pasted that from my facebook page on april 16>> That attitude and frame of mind hit me out of nowhere and I stepped up to the plate and said, you know what, I’m going to take control of my own damn future. I could deny it anymore: I really was sitting around waiting for things to happen for me and allowing myself to get down about it when they didn’t work out. WTF!? What a lame-o. April 16th I just said FUCK IT to my lazy old self and actually turned the switch back on. I never used to have to worry about these things because I was indenpendent and my own go-getter. But after I started working so much at a job I hated, and stopped having time for school or the mental energy for studying and class, I just felt hopeless and completely loser-ish. I couldnt handle school anymore and all I was doing was "waitressing" (even though its professional and 5-star dining and full benefits and all that–who are we kidding, its still waitressing and I’m still putting off my degree). I was a slave to making money, working out, and drinking in my down time with Paul and our "friends". I had to fit a social life in there (the joke that it is), and sleep, and balancing these things was hard enough.

I’m over this slump, and I’m back to go-getting. Who needs sleep? Sleep is great and all, but I’ll take it when I can get it. I don’t need to balance my life–I am young. I can work 10 hours, then get off work and agressively job hunt and research our next career move (job hunting for paul for the end of this year–more to follow) by sending emails/cover letters/resumes for hours, clean the house, then go out for drinks celebrating birthdays and going away parties until 2am, then go to bed for 6 hours or so, then get up and work the next morning. YES I CAN! And actually I love it! There are many days in the week where I get home between 6 and 7 and I put in a movie, make myself dinner, and lounge by myself for a few hours before Paul gets home and we start doing more job hunting online. I cherish those hours, even though some weeks I get more of those than others. If I get bored of that alone time, I have options. I can hang out with Marie and her daughter, Joni until she moves, Kerri when she’s off…I can get my fat ass to the gym…I have things i can be doing and I have time to do them. I need to be studying for my wine certification. Which is another thing. I made it my "goal" (which for me GOAL is kind of a loose term, unfortunately, based on my behavoir in the past 2 years) to get my level 1 wine cetification by the end of this winter. I CAN ACTUALLY DO THAT, AND I ACTUALLY WILL DO THAT!!!! The Greenbrier usually pays for that, which is 500 dollars, and the classes/test are held as close as Raleigh or ohio. There is actually one in my home town in Michigan too–I could kill 2 birds with one stone.  I was also told that its really easy, basically like wine knowledge 101. And they give you 2 full days of classes before you have to take the test. I’m sure I’d do fine…I need to get the courage to take it. But I know I can, especially knowing that we will eventually have a time contraint and a deadline as far as when we are leaving here. And I have to have this before I leave here. BUT I WILL! Thats the cool thing! I guess I’m proud of myself? No, not really. Because I shouldn’t be. These are the things I am expected to do. I should have been achieving these things NO PROBLEM but I’ve been lazy and discouraged lately. And truthfully there is nothing stopping me from falling back into old patterns. Sometimes I swear if it wasnt for Paul (because we are HERE–i wasn’t like this at all before, certainly not in new york!) I would never get the drive to do these things. He kind of helps me set these goals for myself because he sees more potential in me than I do. YEARS ago he was yelling @ people at work to "make her a manager then! if she’s so good, promote her to manager!" And I would get all embarassed because that seemed so "out there" and far off…yeah right…make me a manager?? No Paul, that would never happen right now. But whether or not it was possible then, its happened now, and I’m doing it all, and Paul was right all along. He tends to see things more clearly than I do in these types of situations, and in other situations I have a clearer perception. We really are a perfect balance for one another in that way.

My kitty loves sitting in front of the fan! Its so cute.

Well I’d like to relax and stuff before Paul comes home and we work on our contacts and networking…then its bed early and work earlier!

E