Seems like all i’m ever writing about here is my sex life/marriage, but i guess its the only thing i need to write-through in order to try and decipher…everything else is good! I will say that we have no money, and thats causing so many other issues.
Lucy is 10 months and as beautiful and happy as ever. She’s crawling around, though not with great "form" haha, and she gets prettier everyday. Her eye teeth have been cutting through this week which has been very up and down. A couple really bad nights with no sleep. She doesnt scream or anything, its just that she cant completely relax and settle on her own, and on those bad nights she needs to be on the boob the whole night to sleep. She will sleep in bed with us, and everytime I try to unlatch her, she wakes up and whines. THose nights are rough for me….my back hurts, etc….but last night was great. She slept in her own bed, woke up at 3am and i settled her and put her back in her crib, which took about 30 minutes but it was worth it because it was just one of those nights where i didnt feel like having her in bed with us. Normally i either dont care or actually WANT her there, but sometimes i dont, and its nice that as long as her teeth arent bothering her she will sleep on her own too.
Beach babe, last month
So i need to find a way to bring in some extra income. Ever since I had Lucy and have been off work, I have sold books on amazon and other items on ebay. It was really bringing in decent money, enough to cover groceries, for a long time. But now my inventory as it were is tapped out. I did recently sell a book for 100.00! I havent gotten the money yet, and another item i sold on ebay for 50 that i havent seen the money for yet….and i have 50.00 coming from Upromise soon…..but i need something more.
We’ve downsized everything, cut out our storage unit, refinanced our auto loan, etc etc etc. Cancelled everything we could. I need to do some heavy research today to figure something out. I have posted ads for babysitting so I can watch some other kids while im watching Lucy anyway, so far no hits on any of that. I reallllllllly need to bring in some money! Ok, enough about that.
Paul said in our last "fight/talk" that he would stop jerking off everyday and see what happens. He didnt stop, he jerked off like the next damn day and has continued to, and we still havent had any sex. I unfortunately have been on what seems like a perma-period for the past month!!! Getting period back after having a baby and nursing really sucks because its all out of whack. So i havent initiated any sex either. BUT I am kinda like, if he doesnt care about this "problem", doesnt want to work on it, doesnt have any interest in having sex with me, and would rather jerk off, then FINE. We wont. Im not going to try. I dont feel like it anymore. He said he would cut back on his "alone time" and come to me more instead and he hasnt. I told myself i would initiate more sex when I wanted it, but the problem is I no longer want to have sex with him anyway. Not like this. He doesnt make me feel desirable at all, especially when he told me the truth: which is that I am not desirable to him anymore because I am too familiar. He is just plain NOT INTERESTED. So why should I be? I feel so low, its kind of hard to work myself up to seducing him when I feel like he doesnt want me. I would rather not try at all. Thats where I’m at with it.
Problem is, last night (and other nights before) i dreamed that I was with another guy, and I was married to Paul, but I WANTED this other thing, and it felt sooo good to be cherished and touched and appreciated physically by this other (big strong muscular sexy haha) man. It was romantic and intimate and we werent even having sex in the dream. It was all kind of soft and sad, bittersweet because I knew I was married to Paul but I felt so good with this other person. I woke up wishing I could have something like that again but feeling hopeless that I ever would. I feel like it will never be like that with Paul again, ever. He isnt interested in that kind of relationship or activity. He would rather fish and do his own thing and kiss me goodbye in the morning after he spent 35 minutes in the bathroom, and leave me home with the baby and go about his day. We still do a lot of things together and still seem "close" as far as couples go, but we arent having sex and I dont feel cherished, and he thinks needing that type of thing is silly and immature and i need to get over it. I doubt this will ever change about him. I either need to grow up and stop needing that, or demand it from him (wihtout words and talking about it, just TAKING it instead), or I can do the wrong thing and find it outside of my marriage, which i obviously dont want to do at all. We still really love each other, and Ive thought about it a lot: i cant imagine being without Paul. Just cannot imagine it. But sometimes I wish I could start over in a new relationship and make sure it stays the way I want it and doesnt stray or drift…but i know deep down that in long term-relationships and marriage, this is what happens. And it takes work to stay close. After kids and life and time, you start to drift apart. Everyone has told me that. Our friends Nate and Jenn have been married 10 years (they are pauls age, 32) and have 3 kids, and Jenn told me that after all that you drift apart and you go through a lot. And the only way couples get through it is if they say they are not going to give up, and they take their marriage vows seriously, and they dont view "leaving" as an option. Marriage is forever and Paul and I both know that. Sometimes that thought makes me feel hopeless though because I think, this is the way its going to be FOREVER. I will never have butterflies again, never feel that delicious afterglow of intimate passionate sex again, never feel that rush of kissing someone….i miss those things. And I dont think its stupid to miss them, but Paul does. He is content without all that because he is a guy.
I dont know.