Frustration and Angry

So I’m currently dealing with a healing process that (to be honest) is taking me almost 20 years to deal with.  I have some things that I want to vent and (hopefully) I can see this as a thing I can let go of instead of building it up and allowing it to fester.

One of the issues that I’m dealing with is learning how to forgive …and if I can’t forgive, at least let it go.  Not just my abuser/rapist…but also the epic bullying that I had to deal with while in college that has affected me to this day.

I had an entire college gossip about me and spread crazy rumors that caused me to not trust or make friends (because some of those rumors came from people I thought were my friend).  The rumors were so bad that people (strangers, mind you) were wanting to come to my apartment and “pray a demon out of me” (it was a small Bible college).  This whole incident has caused me to want to withdraw, most days, and I have become isolated.  If I’m outgoing, it’s because I have it in my mind that the other person is an “acquaintance” and nothing more.  Safer that way.

Flash forward years later – there are several people that took part in that gossip that now have a platform to speak from.  They make public appearances on podcasts, television, Christian music gatherings, etc.  While I am still a Christian myself and I’m supposed to have forgiveness, I can’t find it in my heart to do so.  My heart is so full of anger.  They don’t deserve to stand on the platform they preach from; instead, they belong under a rock where they can’t hurt anyone!

I want to scream, most days.  Sometimes, I want to be like Maleficent, storming through the castle gates to curse the ones that did me wrong while they are celebrating in their egotistical life of luxury and/or social status (forgive the ridiculous Disney, reference lol). Or at least, more realistically, be present to whatever speaking engagement they have and allow the poison that’s been lodged within my heart and allow it to explode – unleashing and exposing their lies, their egos, just be a life ruiner…see their spouses divorce them, being forced to step down, etc….Affect their life the way my life has been affected.

This all sounds ridiculous, I know.  But I’m angry.  I’m so angry that a part of me doesn’t care if I ruin a bully’s life.  I want them to suffer the way I’ve suffered.

Now that I got that out….I’m going to go back and read this and realize that I can’t be that person.  I have to be strong.  I need to deal with this crap and know that karma, if you will, will catch up to them eventually.  I’m going to live my best life – with my family, especially my kids.  I can’t give up and become the villain the world wants me to be. I can get through this.