Roller Coaster

I told myself I wouldn’t do it. And yet here I sit at 6:30 in the morning, looking  at my fertility chart, putting in my temperature. But that’s not all…then I couldn’t stop myself from going online and looking at other charts…to see signs that aren’t there. Feel symptoms that possibly aren’t real.

Why is this like a sickness at times? I look at other charts and then second guess myself. I tell myself I can’t possibly be pregnant with the timing we had this month, with Rich’s back not being right, with the frequency that we actually were able to try to get pregnant.

Then part of me wants to look for symptoms…nausea? Headache? I want myself to be pregnant even though it would be a miracle if I were to be this month.

Sometimes I hate this. It seems like there is pregnancy all around me. Everytime I see a commercial it seems to have pregnancy involved. House Hunters, a previously favorite show features couples "starting a family."

I am going to visit my parents in PA in two weeks. Even then, my older sister and her baby will be there. So though it would be nice to see her, I feel as though my heart will bleed for my own loss.

I just want to be done…it is so hard and I feel like I’m on a roller coaster at times.

Little things keep me sane. We just moved into a new home and are going to landscape our yard. I hope to do that today. I’ve been putting things away. That keeps me busy as well.

But there is always a nagging feeling in the back of my mind wishing for more. And I don’t know if it will ever go away.