Grad school, teaching, exploring

Grad school so far is going well. I found out after submitting the assignment that inspired a panic attack that the bar was way lower than I anticipated. The bar for the stressful video assignment was literally, “did the student wear clothes.”  I was in professional attire. My hair was a little frizzy at the time (which stressed me out unnecessarily), but I had on a nice work shirt and a professional blazer.  I got a 100% on that assignment. The next one using that technology will have a few more requirements than “did I wear clothes and say words,” but should go fine–yes, I’m still stressing out about it.  Being high anxiety, I plan to preemptively use my med for when my anxiety is over the top bad– a half dose which is my usual dose for panic and anxiety attacks.   Since I’m editing this entry after doing assignment 2: I once again managed to wear clothes (a different shirt and a different blazer–the blazer in question, I’ve owned for about a year and I seriously have nothing to wear it with (except for the shirt I wore). The video was just the top of me, so it was paired with the ratty jeans and sneakers I’ve been wearing all day, like Zoom calls during the worst of the pandemic, right?). The beast was still nerve-wracking and I wasn’t expecting some of the questions–still the auto grading bits were higher scoring than the initial set. So here’s hoping it fit the bill!).  It’s done now and I can relax on that front until the next one, next week. UGH. That one will be longer responses. But I’ll manage.  One thing that’s interesting about neurodivergent folk is that some of us really do best in speaking situations if we can anticipate what we’re going to be asked to talk about, like script that stuff out in our heads first at least to a point. That’s what made this so hard. The video assignment things feel like a job interview when they throw some weird curveball question at you and you’re like, “can’t I just tell you that I totally plan to be here contributing to your team in 5 years? No? But, I planned for that…”   Ah well. 2 down 1 to go.

I currently have perfect attendance and my grade is 100%. Since I have to maintain a B average, I’d say, so far so good in grad school! Woo!

I also found out that I won’t have to take some licensure exams because I have qualifications that waive those exams. This news made me happy cry.  Those exams were part of what made me put off grad school so long–babyish, I know, but anxiety is a big scary monster sometimes–and to be fair when I was avoiding grad school I had no treatment for said anxiety and now I do.  Anyway, that means that I will save around $300, and I won’t have to take 6 hours of tests.  I’m so, so happy (cautiously though, just in case the university was horribly wrong about this).

Teaching is going well. I’m feeling like I’m getting better at it daily. My students rock. We are studying some really cool material now.  I’m sometimes surprised by the things they haven’t done before as a result of “learning loss” during the pandemic, but we’re getting through it. I’m doing my best to help them gain those foundational skills.

I’m gaining foundational skills of my own! Time management has always been a challenge for me. I’m not the best at the executive functioning in general, so I’m exploring how to work with what I’m good at and build up other skills.  Many of my students are neurodivergent too, so I’m among my people–LOL.

As I began all this craziness teaching full time and going to grad school along with other stuff, I found myself also diving deeper into supports both internally and externally for the neurodivergent (me). I’ve added the occasional use of noise-limiting earplugs (expensive, but life-changing), a weighted blanket (it squishes out the stress!), and devoting limited time during my day deliberately partially unmasked (neurodivergent folk “mask” symptoms to survive in a neurotypical-centric world, but doing so damages our mental health, especially when we do it all the time). This deep dive started with me deliberately researching how to mask more–oops! It turns out, with some unmasked time at home at set times, I’m actually better at functioning in the wild.  The earplugs are super discrete, so I do use them sometimes at work when I’m in super over-stimulating noisy places. I’ve given into accepting my morning coffee-cup-selecting ritual (it’s silly, but I’m convinced that if I start my day with the right mug for the day that things go better–this hurts no one, so I no longer judge myself for it), sometimes I wrap up in my weighted blanket to do homework or lesson plan or whatever at home.  Also, I make myself stim at home at least a little each day.  Weirdly enough, this makes the masking I have to do out in the wild easier.

Things are probably going well. I’m not sure. I mean, my grades are good. I’m not 100% clear on how I’m doing at work. No one has fired me though, so that’s a good sign. Grades for the grading period are due this week, and I’m in good shape for that. An administrator is coming into my room to observe sometime this week, so I’m trying to figure out how to make my lesson snazzier!  And I’ll need to remember to turn in attendance really fast that day and not leave anyone hanging. 😉