Put through the mangle

This is my first entry.

I was scrolling through some topics to write about.

This one gave images in my mind more than the others I read at the time.

“Based on you experience with your parents, what parenting advice would you give someone else”

Well…

I remember as a child..

very faintly though.

My parents argued a lot

Dad came home late all the time

Mom made sporadic driving trips.

My dad used to drink, but he was never abusive or loud.

I feel he did it more out of being sad.

Why? I am not sure.

Maybe it was my mom, or maybe it was even because how he was supporting a family of 5 and had his hands above his head 8+ hours a day changing metal underneath cars every day.

My mom…Always making the next move to travel to see my great grandma or something, or even to spend time with her best friend. Us kids were with her and sometimes we weren’t. Maybe she was tired of being the house wife with no life supporting 3 kids.

I remember being in the kitchen/dining area when I was a kid. Just listening to my parents argue. I didn’t see it, but I heard it. A cookie car hit the ground. Im not sure if someone purposely “threw” it or maybe it just got knocked over.

They fought and fought through the years.

We always seemed like a happy family, making trips to amusement parks on the weekends often, or even going to the campground with a bunch of family friends, camping for the weekend and riding four wheelers…I remember I started my period for the first time at one of those camping trips. towards the end of the trip, actually loading up the quads on a trailer, my parents argued.

Eventually they split up. When I was 10.

But you know through it all, that when I met my best friend. Still friends to this day 20+ years later.

but that is another topic…

It was a nasty divorce. My mom left us girls behind at first. While she “visited a friend”.

Actually, now that I think of it, randomly after they split someone came up to our house, needing to use a phone…come to think of it, we had a long driveway and a locked gate. How does that happen? especially when you live in the middle of nowhere? hmmm…

Well anyways, belongings were thrown everywhere, tires burning out in the driveway, yelling, crying, dad throwing parties at the house, with friends I have never met in my life. Mom not around. (She actually took my sisters and left me)

Dad remarried 6 months later in Vegas. He said that he met her through some friends. But she IS an ex stripper. Makes me wonder if he went to a strip club with his friends and met her there. She actually told me she didn’t like him and wanted nothing to do with him, actually tried to hook her best friend up with him but he did not like her. Until, my dad threw a party at the house one night and she came there and saw what my dads hard earned money has given him. I love her and I am sure to this day she actually does love him, But I will never forget those thoughts and things she told me when I was so young.

My mom…had it hard for years. But for her it has paid off in the long run. She went back to school and reached her dreams of what she always wanted and dad didn’t support of. She remarried once, they are no longer together. But remain very good friends. She is happy with who she is with now and have been for about 7 years now.

I am totally getting off topic. I know I may have more to write about my father ever in writings or even memories because I was left behind with my father and stepmother. Literally my life with them was like Cinderella. They actually used to call me Saraderella…sad I know..

But even with my father and stepmom together I remember fights, Christmas trees flying out the door on Christmas, yelling Christmas is f****** over and stuff. over what? who the heck knows. Toilets flying through the air when my dad got mad blaming that he had to replace it and it wasn’t going well with replacing. (he was probably mad over something) MAAYBE it was the alcohol idk. I do know though that he quit drinking due to health problems and he became calmer. My stepmom hated even when he had a beer randomly. Maybe because she began to truly love him and showed him how it affects his ability of being a compliant human being. (hands in the air idk, maybe)

I have never seen my mom yell or be mad, she was never a drinker. She is very calm and just reacts to things in a sinfully way I suppose. I get it, I’ve been there, I am a lot like her. But I am also a lot like my dad when I personally drink too. So I can imagine why they both were the way that they were. Maybe how I am in life is because of them.

My mom left me, took my sisters. My dad let my stepmom treat me like Cinderella and gave my step brother everything. Even kept me from having friends growing up, or playing sports OR even seeing my grandparents and grandparents on my moms side of the family. I got into trouble for stopping to say hey one time to them during trick or treating one year. Ill never forget it. I only wanted to see my grandparents, whom I haven’t seen in a long time. They even sent me cards, I never got them.

I wanted to go to college and become an astronomer, it was my all time dream. But my chores came first. I never had good quality time to study. so therefore I flunked school, and not being able to enjoy my life and have friends reflected that as well. I snuck out my window to hang out with my friends, or even skipped school.

My dad for Christmas one year did one good gesture, it was in the beginning of his new marriage as well, not later on because she didn’t have control over me just yet. He did go out and get me an awesome Meade electronic telescope and left a message on it, to reach the stars. After that I never saw anything about reaching for the stars again; but more reaching for a rake or shovel to scoop up horse shit.

In high school, I even tried out for the color guard team. MAN was it fun and something I really wanted to do! You want to know what happened when I was at school until 6pm because the try outs? My perverted ass step brother came and picked me up, told me I was in trouble and when I got home, I was grounded and not allowed to be in colorguard.

Another time, I remember like it was yesterday…

something had happened, I am sure it was stupid because I don’t remember what it was about. But I wanted to move with my mom. I called her, she told me that maybe I should just work things out with my dad. Then as the conversations and fights went on that day my mom said she would pick me up first thing in the morning. I woke up and I was told that I was not allowed to bring nothing with me except what I had on and my pet rabbit.

so I went to the end of the drive way.

I waited…

and waited…

and waited more…

mom never showed up.

My stepmom told me my Mom wanted nothing to do with me.

I moved the whole lawn that day…with a push mower, muggy, soggy and hot outside. About 4 acres.

I never really talked to my mom growing up.

until I got older.

When I turned 18, I moved out with my boyfriend, literally the day after I turned 18. Everything I have went through in life to this day, I realize the moves I made was to get away. being I wasn’t allowed to drive until I was 18 or even have a job. I had nothing. so I moved out with him. we fought a lot too, and 5 years later we married. He was my high school sweetheart. then 2 years after that, we split up.

sometimes I feel I did it to get away, but I did actually love him. When he started treating me badly I had nowhere to go. I was working at Mcds making 450.00 every 2 weeks. I wouldn’t have been able to live on my own with that. It grew from being in love to being comfortable. Looking back idk how I was “comfortable” with him. he verbally abused me, called me names. one morning, ill never forget, he woke me up calling me; literally the words that came out of his mouth..”a worthless piece of shit” Why?? because I started a new job and it took a lot of my time and I forgot to do his laundry. He also cheated on me numerous times. Twisted my arm when I tried to wake him up off the couch to come sleep with me.

Well again…we split up, not even a month after me moving out, his new gf moved in with him. We weren’t even divorced yet.

I never used to drink, then I started drinking.

I actually put myself in a rehab center over it. worth it??? heck no. so stupid to try and end your life over someone who doesn’t give two shits about you. never. again.

I don’t know what happened in this life. All I do know, is that no feelings for a lover has lasted more than 4 months for me. I suffer from depression and anxiety. My job keeps me so busy it makes me forget about life and the people around me. Which I have also regretted due to certain passings. But again, keeps my mind busy. I was diagnosed with personality disorder. leaving me with depression and other things I feel that haven’t been diagnosed yet.

I know this whole thing seems off the topic. but its not, It all leads down to it.

I promise.

So to complete this entry.

What parental advice would I give to someone?

easy…

Do not ever fight around your children, even though they are young, it will affect them.

Do not ever make them feel unwanted….

they will go their whole life thinking they are unwanted or unlovable.

You show them happiness and they will shine as they get older.

Make sure your kids teachings come first before “chores”.

Let your kids be kids and let them have friends and get out and play sports.

Or they will grow up to not socialize.

Give them a good child hood to remember, after all those are where most of our memories come from.

Be a role model.

Be a good parent.

Don’t put your kids through mangle to live through it the rest of their life and not know how to escape.