Married female, early 50’s. Outwardly, I have a good life, but on a deeper, more personal level, I struggle immensely. Major depression, eating disorders, and isolation have plagued me for as long as I can remember. I’m back on OD for ME. If I happen to make a few new friends, great! But please note: my personal space is very important, and I might not be here every single day. I want this to be a relaxed place for me to come and go without the stressful, almost full time commitment it was for me on other interactive sites where journaling was popular.

Latest Entry

Borderline Personality Mom

January 19, 2014
Background: I know I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and most of the time, it's 'all or nothing' for me. That definitely describes my interpersonal relationships too. I either love you, or I despise you. This is probably why I have less than a handful of people in my close circle.   Th...
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Recent Entries

  • Odd one out
    August 3, 2013
    What hurts so much is that my rich brother is paying the whole shot for his family and my daughter to go on this big holiday. My dad will be hooking up with them in Spain for the Mediterranean cruise. My whole family on vacation together, how nice. But someone is missing from this picture...…
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  • Not getting attached to this one
    July 28, 2013
    All the young ones grew up (childhood friends, daughter, cousins, niece, and nephew,) and are now indifferent to me. Why would I expect it to be different with my step grand-daughter when she grows up? I'm simply not allowing my heart to love her too much. Like, what's the point? Do you think I&n...
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  • Letting go
    July 20, 2013
    I knew this dreaded day would come, and I knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it. They tracked her down on FB and lured her in with a ticket, and said, "Come meet your family, and we'll show you a good time too." What unhappy-at-home 19 y/o would turn down a free…
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  • Me. What a waste of life
    July 18, 2013
    I hadn't weighed myself for many weeks. The other day, I even told my shrink not to tell me my weight because I've been feeling pretty good, so why destroy my good mood if the number happened to be up? So this morning, I just had to know my weight. I've been using alligator clips…
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  • More fumes polluting my head
    July 1, 2013
    Yesterday was a really good day for me for a change, in spite of my incessant feelings of being too fat and ugly, etc. But could I be so lucky as to actually have just one whole day of feeling half okay? No, of course not. By 5pm I was saying the Serenity Prayer over…
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  • My weekend thus far
    March 2, 2013
    Friday was another one of those dreaded days where I had to pull myself together and behave like the social being that I am not. I certainly don't have a problem connecting to people in my on-line life, but in real life it's another story.... The Big Event was my nephew's 18th birthday. Of course...
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  • Feeling Jilted
    February 27, 2013
     I feel like I'm back in junior high school, that's how immature I am. Only it's nothing that transpired on the playground or at the mall while skipping class. No, it's all Internet based relations. A number of years ago, I met a deeply troubled, suicidal girl on a support website. We were r...
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  • Self prophesying dream?
    February 24, 2013
    I awoke in a cold sweat (as I often do,) but this time the mood that overcame me was completely unnerving. I was just beside myself... it left me in a state of panic and nausea like you would not believe. I dreamed that I was due to start a new job, and when I went to get…
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  • Wide awake
    February 18, 2013
     I hate using my phone to do any significant writing, so this is going to be a short one.  I managed to avoid my incessant evening snacking last night, but only because I went to bed at 7:30pm, right after dinner. Sleeping (and writing) seem to be the only ways I can avoid eating, but&h...
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