Recent Entries

• What does one do?

  December 11, 2018

  What does one do on the day they send divorce papers to their spouse? This is real. It has felt real for a long time, but every step of this process is like a giant slap of reality hitting me in the face. I am just walking (trudging) along through life, minding my own business,…

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• How to silence the voices?

  November 28, 2018

  I had a meeting with a lawyer yesterday to draw up the required documents to file for divorce. It doesn’t matter how sure I am; it still makes me sad. I am sad that my marriage ended this way, or ended at all, really. I have these tiny voices of self-doubt crowding my head with…

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• Where does the time go?

  November 10, 2018

  In September, I bought a house. I saw it in Zillow months before that, and tried to talk myself out of it. I was waiting for the 2018-2019 school year to end so that J could be in the same school district this year. They need some continuity. But after visiting the area several times,…

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• Who are you doing this for?

  July 30, 2018

  When I first starting going back to therapy in February, it was spurred by the first bad episode after the adoption was final. Episode. How I ever landed on that euphemism is beyond me. Let's start calling things what they really are, shall we?   Things had been good for nearly two months, w...

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• On death

  July 25, 2018

  My grandfather was signed up for hospice on Friday. It is not a surprise; it was a long time coming. He has been in decline for several years, with the last year being a sharp turn downward. My grandmother has been keeping him at home, determined to allow him to stay independent. I think she…

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• Grand gestures

  July 19, 2018

    This comic strip was one of my favorites when C and I were first dating, as I was still reveling in what it meant to finally be an adult. He did this to our boys' room this last weekend, surprising them when they returned home from a weekend with their foster mother. He considered…

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• Are you listening?

  July 8, 2018

  He said, metaphorically, that he finally heard me once I screamed. He wasn’t sure whether to feel lucky, or worried, when all the other guys complained that their wives just wouldn’t stop talking, and he had nothing to add to the conversation; that I never talked to him. My response was: Those wh...

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• My room

  June 17, 2018

  My husband started sleeping in the guest room several weeks ago. He said he would move his things out, and he has been...slowly. Clothes that get washed are put away in the room where he sleeps. However, the room I am sleeping in, our room, felt very much like "our room." Pictures of the two…

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• The devil you know

  June 15, 2018

  He is behaving so perfectly now. It makes me feel like a crazy person; like I just imagined everything. Like I am insane for setting a bomb off in the middle of my life. In the middle of my children’s lives. It makes giving into his pleas for one last chance, for an ultimatum, seem…

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