I’m just a lonely old man
Having Medhia come home today was way more emotional than I thought. There is a huge hole in my heart that while mending is so destroyed it feels as if it will never be fully restored. I’ve been crying most of the day. I’m having regrets and guilt again.
The biggest one is if I made the right decision when she was diagnosed 18 months before she went to sleep for the last time. Way back then, she had an infection that the vet couldn’t pin down. I never got her antibiotics for it. Medhia died of multiple organ infections, not kidney disease. I’ve been balling my eyes out wondering if I treated the infection she would still be alive today. She would be sick with kidney disease but alive.
As I said to the receptionist this afternoon, despite how it happened, I’m glad it happened when it did.
The bathroom is still a tough place. Not having her there to pet while I sit on my throne contemplating life, or getting out of the shower and not seeing her standing guard making sure I was safe.
Fuck I really miss her.
What makes it even worse is how alone I am. The picture says it properly. I would never admit to anyone I feel so lonely I don’t know what to do. The last time I told someone, they blamed me.
- I’m single
- I don’t have kids or family nearby
- All my friends have families of their own
- I don’t work
All that adds up to a lot of alone time. When my other animal companions passed, there was always someone around to spend time with, talk with, and just help make me feel better.
Medhia’s death hit me very hard for two reasons. The first one is how I had to deal with all this alone. The second is Medhia a considerable part of my life. She was always there for everything, including other’s deaths. I don’t have her even at this point. The third reason, I spent the last 18 months tending to at least once every hour that I was awake.
Not only did I lose someone special but also a “job”.
This was supposed to be a happy entry. I’m stopping here tonight. Happy will come.
@Axalotal: One could ask himself a thousand times over, Should I have? Would it have changed things? Etc, but, in reality, as you lived it, I feel you always did the very best you could, : I am sure the Vet would have told you, or suggested strongly for the infections, to get her antibiotics. Perhaps he knew, down the road, things would be “tough?” I honestly don’t know any answers, but, I feel you did the VERY best you could, for her. You gave her all of you, and you cared 100% for her & her needs. You grew wheat grass for her, and on and on. Please don’t beat your self up, you did “good.” Please just grieve and be aware that nothing was your fault. She got the best care and tons of love and showed you the same. I don’t have the right words perhaps, but, believe me, you don’t deserve to be your own whipping post. ////****** On another “note,” I was coming to share something that I found through Violet, called a Mudkip or Axalotl-a fish who looks like he’s half fish and half frog. Check out this website, if you have time. Where did you get the name Axalotal? slightly different spelling, but, just curious. Hugs and feel better you are an aces kind of person!!
@Axalotal: Sorry I forgot the website: http://www.axolotl.org/
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Well I really cant say anything more than @Butterfly4Him said. But she is right, you did the very best that you could and that was a lot.
Beating yourself up with “what ifs” is going to do nothing. What if there just wasn’t anything else you could do? You loved her with all of your being and therefore she will live forever in your heart. Know that you did the right thing.
@Axalotal: Amen SillySillySandy!!!
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The best tribute to Medhia would be visiting a shelter and providing a loving home to an animal at risk of being euthanized. We never replace our lost pets, but continue their legacy of love by helping another animal.
That is a great tribute @Bedlamhillfarm but I always said once Medhia left I was moving as planed before she got sick.
Once I find my new home, I’m going to find a new pet or I’ll just feed the local wildlife. I’ve befriend a bunch of squirrels the past few months.
All of my cats have been rescued in some form or another.
Medhia was found covered in ice during a bad ice storm back in 2002.
@axalotal You should read The Cat and the Curmudgeon, by Cleveland Amory. A great book.
@bedlamhillfarm Ohhhh that is one of my all-time favorite books! You probably already know this, BedlamHillFarm but in case anyone reading this doesn’t, the book you referenced is the second in a trilogy – the first being “The Cat Who Came for Christmas” which I think was a bestseller and is usually featured at bookstores during the holidays. The second is the C&C, and the last is “The Best Cat Ever” which is really sad at the end. A quote I use to this day from “C&C” is (paraphrased) “Polar Bear had already met everyone he wanted to and would like to delete (or similar phrase) some of those.”
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Thanks @wildrose_2 It’s hard, but with you’re comments and time things are getting better. Yesterday was just a bad day. I wasn’t expecting it to be so emotional.
Some cats just seem to bond with their human in a way very few people or animals do. It sounds like Lucky is one of those chosen few. May you two have many outstanding years together! Those years are worth the though time at the end.
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I worked for several years as a counselor with Hospice and about 99% of the time when the patient died the spouse/adult child/friend expressed the concern that they didn’t do enough. I did the same thing after the deaths of my beloved pets: my Samoyed had bladder stones and had to be catheterized at the vet regularly; vet said it was time to think about putting him to sleep but we (former husband and I) wanted to do everything we could so we put him through surgery but he died a week later. My regret was that I didn’t listen to the vet. Next was our Doberman; she obviously had something really wrong (most likely cancer) due to a myriad of symptoms. The vet didn’t find anything during an exam but, back then, (1980’s) x-rays may not have been done often. She was miserable so, remembering the vet’s advice re: Samoyed, I had her put to sleep and for years was wracked with guilt that I did it too soon. My 18 year-old cat, Morris, was very ill during his last few years and I felt guilty that I let him suffer too long, etc. My heart aches for you – the grieving period is so very hard.
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