The affair

My day went to shit. Botox never came about because right beforehand Jerry had cancelled on me. I was so mad at him canceling on me for the third or fourth time that I said the meanest thing I could think of: “ a man is only good as his word. I guess your word ain’t shit. That’s why you live a miserable life bc you let everyone down! “…..now why would I tell him all that? I don’t even know him like that. I just said it to hurt his feelings. I’m going to send him a text and apologize now….there I just apologized..done.

I cancelled my Botox appointment because I didn’t want to go around Dr. Do with a bad attitude. He’s one of the people I care about and his job is already hard enough…I didn’t want to bring that energy around him. Besides, I didn’t feel like having Botox…

instead I spent 400 bucks of my own money on a package of micro-needling facials. I also bought myself a massage. Then I went to Dennys and bought a huge burger and inhaled it within moments.

Just now I started a new show called The Affair on Showtime. Sucks that I don’t have that channel. I just watched the first episode for free. Just within the first 7 minutes of watching the show, I made a vow to never have children. I don’t care to see how they would look like or how they grow up to be…because there’s a huge chance they will be assholes…ungrateful assholes. But I may change my mind and pull a Halle berry and Janet Jackson and have a baby at 50…I could see myself doing that. But the idea of carrying a child…that doesn’t seem like a nice experience …seems like torture.

I feel upset. I don’t want to do anything again. Now I’m in bed and just lazy. Got so many things on my to do list and I’m just avoiding it. I’m used to smoking a blunt and trudging through the work…

I don’t have any urges to smoke. I’m glad about that. But then again, I haven’t been around it or been asked to smoke yet. But I keep remembering my goal of 6 months.

well I’m going to go back to watching my show, The Affair. It’s good so far. The woman only touched his shoulder and this man ready to give up his whole family life for a waitress. I know it’s fiction but it goes to show how men are such sexual creatures(dawgs).

I wish I didn’t care and could use my body for power. But I think that people can pick up on those things. If I were a hooker, you would be able to tell. I would act differently I think. I couldn’t have sex with strangers at this stage in my life because I would feel vile.

well enough of thinking about things that don’t matter. I was going to the movies but there are soooooo many people on the road right now. So many people out and about. It feels good to be safe and sound inside.

I don’t care if I’m not living life to the fullest. To me, this is LIVING…do absolutely fucking nothing. I just had a burger the size of my head that will definitely keep me full until tomorrow I hope.

I pray I get SOMETHING accomplished today. Even if it’s a simple house chore. I need to do SOMETHING.

Father, please forgive me for all my sins knowingly and unknowingly. Please forgive me for hurting Jerry. Please help Shervys finances. Please let me not spend anymore money for a while and just cook my own food. Let me not drive and waste gas either. Father, I thank you for the financial increase that’s about to take place in my life. I thank you for the day I don’t wince or feel bad about treating myself to nice things like facials or massages. Give me the strength and discipline to get things done off of my to do list. Thank you for all that You do…amen