Andy + edit

I kind of hate these feelings inside me.
I decided I wanted, closure? with Andy.
I don’t know what exactly I was looking for…er, well, I know what I wanted to hear, but…

I texted him “Do you think – if we hadn’t moved so far away from eachother – that we would end up together again?”
He told me it was a loaded question, that he enjoyed our time together, but didn’t know what “could have been”.
I told him I definitely knew that moving was the best decision for both he and I, but that sometimes I just wondered if maybe we could have more, if we were in the same place again.
He didn’t answer for a couple minutes, so I texted him again apologizing for bringing it up, that it was just something that had been on my mind for some reason the past couple days.
He texted back, “I think its best not to worry about those things. Because it doesn’t matter in the end.”
I left it at that.

I should have known better than to even attempt to have that conversation with him, he is NOT the hypothetical type, at all, and I know that.
Until I actually move there, this is not a conversation that he can have.
(not that I am ever even necessarily going to move there, I’m just saying)

I just wanted a reason to move on. Or more accurately I wanted a reason NOT to move on.
But he gave me neither.

I just hate having this idealized image of “us”…just waiting to be lived out, someday.
I want to know that either that idealized image is bullshit. Or that it can indeed be lived out if we choose it. Someday.

But he can’t give me that answer, even if he hypothetically gave me the answer I wanted, hypotheticals are just that. Hypothetical.

***edit, 7/9***

He texted me again today (Saturday): “Don’t think about it…life is full of twists & turns…we can be happy just to know eachother.”

Ugh.
I just want to scream at him that I want to twist and turn my way to Chicago and marry him and is he okay with that?!
(joke)
(kind of)