I started writing shortly after OD launched, around 1999 at 11 years old. Of course my original diary was lost in the abyss of teenage angst, but I established this one in 2004...that was a long time ago - it took awhile to get from then to now.
Some things are private, some things were lost when OD went down, some I deleted myself...but this is what remains. $99 for a lifetime subscription as a broke college kid was a solid investment.

Trauma. Depression. Anorexia. Self injury. Anxiety. Promiscuity. Bad decisions. And somehow, a "happily ever after". And now, lots of therapy.

Latest Entry

Another Day, Another Book

April 4, 2022
It started with a massage - well, no, it started with neck pain. Chronic f*cking neck pain. It'd been over a year since my last appointment, but I booked with the same therapist I always do; this time though, he questioned if I was experiencing abuse or a history of abuse/trauma, which caught me ...
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Recent Entries

  • Holding Back
    March 8, 2022
    Last week at Krav I momentarily dissociated - my partner reached up and swiped my face back to distract me/counter a headlock; I'm not sure how long his hand was on my face - I remember trying to ignore it and then, it's like everything went blank, and the next thing I knew he was…
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  • Be Curious
    March 3, 2022
    Trauma recovery is like a maze; wandering around, never knowing where you're going, or if you're making progress, or when you'll hit a wall - you can spend so much time ardently searching for the right path, and still miss it, knowing it's there, but unable to find it. It's messy and you keep mak...
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  • What are you running from?
    March 2, 2022
    It was really hard to be alone with myself last night - well, maybe alone isn't the right word; it was hard to be sober. So I put wine on the grocery order this morning & it felt like a sign when they claimed it was out of stock, and there was no substitute (...not…
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  • TMI
    February 27, 2022
    Sometimes I cry after sex. I've tried to narrow down the exact "feeling" lately - the closest I can come up with to describe it though is grief, and that doesn't really make sense. It's heavy, and it crushes my chest and burns my throat and strangles me & even if I close my eyes,…
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  • Intro to Insanity
    February 26, 2022
    June 2020 - everything was shut down, my husband started working from home & luckily I already homeschooled my kids so it wasn't a difficult or stressful transition for us at all but one day I just randomly had a major panic attack - literally nothing notable about the day, no particular trig...
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  • dull it down
    February 14, 2022
    I told my therapist today that it was a toss up whether I'd go home after my appointment, or just, run away and embark on a journey of homelessness. He proceeded to tell me an anecdote about a homeless camp he'd walked past once - and, how there were lots of rats. Nothing else. Just…
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  • dream
    December 29, 2021
    I was going through my childhood dresser, full of clothes - I seemed a bit frantic as I was pulling things out and putting particular things aside to "pack" for some reason...the first thing I remember noting was a specific pair of jeans that I owned in college. Skinny jeans and bootcut still liv...
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  • x74
    November 12, 2021
    Definitely still trending downhill - maybe it's the weather, the chill of fall is finally setting in - or maybe it's just that I can't control my anxiety. I can only suppress it with mania for so long before it consumes me, again. And the cycle resets. I keep telling myself that there has to…
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  • more on memories
    November 10, 2021
    The mania is waning - not gone, but not as prominent either; although it could just be that my energy is waning. I admittedly haven't been eating as much as I should, combined with daily yoga and starting back at krav, it leaves little reserve. Trying to keep things in check tho...I know, exertin...
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