Just a mom now,
just don't scroll back into the darkness; established in 2004 & that was a long time ago - it took awhile to get from then to now.
Some things are private, some things were lost when OD went down, some I deleted myself...but this is what remains.
Trauma. Teenage angst. Depression. Anorexia. Self injury. Anxiety. Promiscuity. Bad decisions. And somehow, a "happily ever after"

Latest Entry

Meditation

November 11, 2020
We usually start my therapy appointments with a few minutes of meditation - I've never really gotten into it/much out of it but it is at least generally calming...Monday though, while my eyes were closed, and I was focusing on my breathing, a completely empty mind - an image popped up, out of now...
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Recent Entries

  • implication
    October 17, 2020
    After it ended, he got back together with his ex-girlfriend, the love of his life; I wouldn't ever go as far as to assume that they had a healthy relationship by any means, but I do know that he practically worshipped the ground she walked on. Quite contrary to how he felt toward me. He…
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  • dreams
    October 12, 2020
    I don't think I've ever dreamed of him before - but last night I dreamt I was in a house, with my girls, sitting at a table...and he was pacing back and forth outside the window, staring at me; I stood up and pushed my girls behind me, holding onto each of them on either…
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  • 93
    September 9, 2020
    The thoughts and compulsions are getting stronger, a gradual decline as it all seems reasonable enough at the time. And then I just can't stop. In the exact manner I knew it would come, ever so subtly yet oh so powerfully. I would say I still have every intention of getting myself back on track&h...
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  • Escalation
    August 27, 2020
    I thought I was fine. I thought I was being safe, just skirting the edges of anorexia, dipping my toes in just enough to fulfill that craving for control. I passed out this morning. It was 7:30 and I could hear the girls already up, reading in their room (they don't come out until 8)…
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  • ED
    August 23, 2020
    It feels a little ridiculous to be back on this topic. But alas, here we are. I struggled with disordered eating and body image, in various capacities, from the time I was 10 until I got pregnant with my daughter at 24; while I'd say I've been "recovered" for the past 7 years, in the…
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  • EMDR
    August 18, 2020
    I just scheduled an appointment for the 31st. So I guess I should get my thoughts together. While I'd love to jump right into retrieving memories of being molested (wow, that's a weird sentence to write), I think it would be more productive to work through my panic first, because I have a feeling...
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  • Therapy
    August 15, 2020
    I’ve been in therapy for a month and a half now - it helped a little, at first. And then it just went downhill, fast. I was having severe panic attacks, that lasted days, without reason. I experienced true insomnia for the first time ever, being unable to sleep at all for days at a…
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  • Again
    August 1, 2020
    I remember reading a memoir in high school, about someone else's experience, and that's when it hit me. All these memories, these sickening flashbacks. I remember how difficult it was to reconcile with them. It was really hard to believe them, to accept them, because it felt like a fabrication, a...
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  • ashes
    August 6, 2019
    People don’t change. Life changes. But. People. Don’t. I can say this because I am one of those people. Life looks different now, but inside I am still the exact same person. Like an addict who lives their whole life looking sober, but they go to sleep at night dying for just one more. It…
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