I started writing shortly after OD launched, around 1999 at 11 years old. Of course my original diary was lost in the abyss of teenage angst, but I established this one in 2004...that was a long time ago - it took awhile to get from then to now.
Some things are private, some things were lost when OD went down, some I deleted myself...but this is what remains. $99 for a lifetime subscription as a broke college kid was a solid investment.

Trauma. Depression. Anorexia. Self injury. Anxiety. Promiscuity. Bad decisions. And somehow, a "happily ever after". And now, lots of therapy.

Latest Entry

Asset 5

confused

June 29, 2025
condescending questions the only answer is a yes - and even then, it's not enough they press and press (and press) until my voice is echoing their words became my own - repeated back, ad nauseam became the truth I've known        
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Recent Entries

  • indoctrination
    June 16, 2025
    Raise up a child in the way that they should go and when they are old — they'll never question, never know for the wages of sin is death and only the righteous are free so I took up my cross and bore it, silently — because who do you think they’d believe? when Adam…
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  • fallacies
    May 27, 2025
    a simple implication, if -> then the argument is true, even when you cannot prove the premise (a delusion) only, the verity of the conclusion... but if you turn it back around then the validity comes unwound affirming the consequent is never logically succedent the reasoning, post hoc the word...
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  • Asset 5
    Trauma
    February 27, 2025
    The devil’s been inside of me hot between my thighs Your god just watched him fuck me right before his eyes The devil’s been inside of me down on hands and knees Had me worshipping his idol until my body seized The devil’s been inside of me filled me full of [lies] Spit in my…
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  • Asset 5
    Assignment
    February 18, 2025
    Language is diminishing & thus, this [poem] is not worth fini-
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  • Butterflies
    November 21, 2024
    “Sense entered into a short, violent skirmish with instinct and inclination, and was overwhelmed.” - The Cuckoo’s Calling I had never noticed him before - I mean, not in that way at least...though we've probably spoken hundreds of times; he speaks fast and is always moving, so our conversations w...
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  • Pressure
    February 11, 2024
    Sometimes there are so many thoughts in my head, I feel overwhelmed, and I get that craving to journal - to take the jumble of thoughts and lay them all out, organize them, make sense of them...but when I start to type, they're gone. I quit therapy awhile ago - I got frustrated. Sometimes it…
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  • Panic Disorder
    October 11, 2023
    How do I continuously end up right back where I started? No warning. No slippery slope. Just, a sudden drop. Thrown against the same fucking wall. And every time it hits, it hits a little harder. I thought it was just another migraine. I took some Excedrin and tried to push through it. We were&he...
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  • Another Day, Another Book
    April 4, 2022
    It started with a massage - well, no, it started with neck pain. Chronic f*cking neck pain. It'd been over a year since my last appointment, but I booked with the same therapist I always do; this time though, he questioned if I was experiencing abuse or a history of abuse/trauma, which caught me ...
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  • Holding Back
    March 8, 2022
    Last week at Krav I momentarily dissociated - my partner reached up and swiped my face back to distract me/counter a headlock; I'm not sure how long his hand was on my face - I remember trying to ignore it and then, it's like everything went blank, and the next thing I knew he was…
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