Back Again (2020)

He showed up at the restaurant the other day. Roses in hand, and he requested table 16 - directly across the bar from my workstation. He sat facing me. That manipulative grin on his stupid face. I knew he had gotten back together with his ex; he made sure I knew, by texting me, and…

I don't think I've ever dreamed of him before - but last night I dreamt I was in a house, with my girls, sitting at a table...and he was pacing back and forth outside the window, staring at me; I stood up and pushed my girls behind me, holding onto each of them on either…

It's the internal struggle that I want to be done with. You ask me how I'm doing, I'm going to tell you I'm fine - the words will vomit out of my mouth before I even have a chance to process the question. Because a part of me IS fine - I get up every…

The thoughts and compulsions are getting stronger, a gradual decline as it all seems reasonable enough at the time. And then I just can't stop. In the exact manner I knew it would come, ever so subtly yet oh so powerfully. I would say I still have every intention of getting myself back on track&h...

We did an exercise in therapy Monday, just letting your mind wander and narrating your thoughts - without judgement, just literally being aware of them and repeating them out loud - but after the initial thoughts I'd already had floating around in my head, I just hit a wall...just black empty not...

Tomorrow I have my EMDR appointment. I'm nervous. And numb. I'm just kind of over trying to get [a therapist] to understand. I know that I have a good life (now), and I'm very grateful for it. It's not a negative mindset that I struggle with, I know the value of what I have. I…

I thought I was fine. I thought I was being safe, just skirting the edges of anorexia, dipping my toes in just enough to fulfill that craving for control. I passed out this morning. It was 7:30 and I could hear the girls already up, reading in their room (they don't come out until 8)…

It feels a little ridiculous to be back on this topic. But alas, here we are. I struggled with disordered eating and body image, in various capacities, from the time I was 10 until I got pregnant with my daughter at 24; while I'd say I've been "recovered" for the past 7 years, in the…

I just scheduled an appointment for the 31st. So I guess I should get my thoughts together. While I'd love to jump right into retrieving memories of being molested (wow, that's a weird sentence to write), I think it would be more productive to work through my panic first, because I have a feeling...

I’ve been in therapy for a month and a half now - it helped a little, at first. And then it just went downhill, fast. I was having severe panic attacks, that lasted days, without reason. I experienced true insomnia for the first time ever, being unable to sleep at all for days at a…