TMI

Sometimes I cry after sex. I’ve tried to narrow down the exact “feeling” lately – the closest I can come up with to describe it though is grief, and that doesn’t really make sense. It’s heavy, and it crushes my chest and burns my throat and strangles me & even if I close my eyes, the tears leak out; I can’t stop it. It overwhelms me, for just a minute or two, my body feels frozen and I just breathe and wait it out.

I always “knew” it was a trauma response to being raped, so I mostly just ignored it. But being in therapy and being curious, I’ve been trying to narrow down exactly what aspect it’s triggered by. I do know it doesn’t happen as long as I can see my husband’s face. And last night I considered that maybe it’s the physical act of him finishing on me (we are irresponsible and use the pull out method because I hate condoms and refuse to put birth control in my body); it’s never consciously bothered me before, but I could feel a bit of degradation there if I focused in on it – so I tried to think of specific memories where I was in that position and feeling degraded, expecting to find it with the artist, because again, that’s what I’ve always assumed was the cause…but what popped into my head was the intrusive images/thoughts I had as a child, that I’ve always just kind of disregarded because, well, they’re insane and they’ve never really made sense to me. I can’t narrow down the exact age, but my guess is maybe 6-8ish? I would have these images play out of men peeing on me – which I know, 100% sounds absurd …but then again… in hindsight, at that age, having no sexual knowledge – what imprinted in my mind as peeing, probably, wasn’t.

I don’t have an explanation for those thoughts, I don’t have memories of actual abuse at that age. But. I know there’s something there that I’m missing. I have to start trusting my body.

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February 28, 2022

Easy does it, have you told your partner this??

February 28, 2022

@juliebear no I haven’t, I don’t even let him see me crying – I don’t want him to feel bad/like it’s his fault or like he’s hurting me or needs to treat me differently/be careful with me…

February 28, 2022

@beautifulbutbroken You need a therapist. 🙁

February 28, 2022

@juliebear already have one 🙂 this why I mention “being in therapy” and why I’m journaling about it all in the first place.

February 28, 2022
1 week ago

Now you got me guessing because my wife also keeps her eyes closed and she has also gone through trauma as a child. She doesn’t show me any signs of  PTSD after sex but just like you said, you don’t let him notice. However, when i do think about it, i feel like almost all of the women i have slept with keep their eyes closed during sex, so maybe closing your eyes during sex is normal anyway? I’m sorry that you have to live through that. The person who did that to my wife actually died in a car accident during that time. I like to think karma catches up with people like that.

I hate to say anything positive came from that experience but it did give you one thing. The signs to look for in children that might be going through the same thing. I started paying more attention to my step daughter, she was 11 at the time and I was always very suspicious of her uncle who was oddly enough the same age as my stepdaughter who i first met when she was 9.  I saw everything in a different light knowing what people are really like. In the end we find out her uncle was molesting her but no penetration. She goes through counseling about it now but she seems to be handling it much better now that she doesn’t have to keep that a secret.

I lived a very innocent straight forward life untill i met my wife and she told me the horrors of what some people do and what she has experienced. If my wife never told me her story i never would have paid so much attention to my step daughter and who knows what could have happened if this had continued.

I really hope things turn out better for you.