therapy
him: how have you been since our last session, anything worth noting before we get started?
me: your plant looks well.
him: yeah, nice try, but I asked about you.
He is so patient. And I am so avoidant. My brain is literally nonstop trying to distract me from my feelings, 24/7, and it works overtime every time I step foot into his office; we did an EMDR session and I kept finding my mind trying to count his hand movements, trying to decipher a pattern, trying to do literally anything except focus.
Even still I left feeling like shit, having trauma shoved in my face repeatedly – it’s truly a miserable process & I just drag it out to be even worse than it should be by being such a stubborn brat.
I sat in the car for 15-20 minutes afterward and shed a few tears before heading home… there’s been a heaviness settling in, even before today. I went for a walk, alone, before dinner – but it wasn’t enough, so I got in the car and drove to Starbucks – I wasn’t hungry but I thought I’d grab some coffee and just sit in silence for a bit…but they were closed. So I just parked and sat there for awhile, sans coffee.
I am just really struggling today & I’m afraid it’s just the beginning of another downward spiral.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Its hard. Byt you are doing the work.
@trueself-2 you are so kind to say that 🙂 thank you
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Hi Lacie,
I caught your entry making sure mine wasn’t showing up on the front page lol. Girl, I feel you. Last week my therapist triggered a huge PTSD episode (?) basically a flood of memories I’d rather like to forget. Hang in there, take care of yourself a little extra on the good days and be kind to yourself on the bad ones. I’d be happy to be friends on here. (I show up and disappear on here so much, I don’t think I have any anymore. But I’m trying to work out my own trauma through writing, so I’ll be around more.) Unfortunately, I haven’t read any of your other entries because even though it’s public I feel like I’m intruding. So I just wanted to warn that my entries could be (are) extremely triggering, if you do stop by.
You’re not out there alone. Healing is f-ing hard and comes at its own pace. The fact that you showed up is a lot more than a lot of people are capable of.
~LE
@limited-edition bad days, when we need grace the most, are the days it’s hardest to give to ourselves! I literally got “courage and grace” tattooed on my arm last year to remind myself to keep going, with courage…and grace on the days I falter; the courage part is getting easier but the grace part, still doesn’t come easy.
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